NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Embarrassed by the recent leak of all his crazy drug use videos, particularly the ones of him smoking crack while naked and arguing with a prostitute over how much crack was on the food scale, a number neither of them seemed able to read correctly, Hunter decided to re-examine his life and determine where he went wrong.
Muttering to himself while wandering around the White House, an anonymous source within the Secret Service tells us, he said “Was it in using hard drugs, taking videos of myself using hard drugs, hiring prostitutes, filming pornographic videos of myself with those prostitutes, getting creepy with my niece, and otherwise being a degenerate, all while drawing attention to myself while collecting massive checks from the Red Chinese and Ukrainians?”
Stopping, pausing for a moment and looking deeply into a mirror he happened to have stopped near, the same agent tells us that it looked like Hunter was on the verge of having a “road to Tarsus” moment and realizing how he had wasted his life and could turn it around with what time he had left.
But that’s not what happened. Instead he whipped out a flask from his pocket, took a long pull of whatever was in it, and said “Nah, there’s no way that was it. Crack is awesome, as is sex with prosties. Must be something else.”
And so he went back to stumbling around, at that point somewhat drunk, and muttering to himself about his life and what could possible have gone wrong.
Finally he lit up and looked up, yelling “Eureka” and running through the White House.
Pausing when he saw some random staffer that happened to be attractive, he stopped her in the hall, the Secret Service source tells us, and started spilling his guts.
“I’ve got it,” he said, “it’s not about me, or Joe, or China, or any of that other crap! No, it’s that they’re all racists!”
“Who?”, the startled and seriously creeped out staffer asked, “Who is a racist?”
Beaming at her while looking her up and down, Hunter exclaimed “The people attacking me for crack use! They just hate crack because they’re all ultra MAGA racists that don’t like black people and so are mad at me for using crack, a black person’s drug. To avoid being so viciously attacked by them, all I need to do is start using a drug no one in the establishment cares about, something like those opioids that the rednecks use and no one but Trump tried to help them stop using! I’ll just start popping those and no one will care one bit, I mean…just look at how the couldn’t care less about opioid addictions in rural areas!”
Hunter then ran off down the hallways of the White House again, presumably to find opioids that he could start using in place of crack.