NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
What’s Team Biden doing with its second year in power? Why, enriching the Biden Brood, of course!
You see, Congress has kept passing larger and larger aid packages for a certain country in Eastern Europe that Google won’t allow us to name if we want to monetize this article.
Hunter Biden, an amateur porn star, investor, lawyer, and energy company expert, used to work in that certain, corrupt country in Eastern Europe. In fact, he made quite the pretty penny doing whatever exactly was that he was doing while making thousands of dollars a month on the board of Burisma.
In any case, lobbyists for the Biden Brood, likely hoping to receive “Big Guy”-level chunks of the aid package from Hunter after their mission was complete, convinced Congress to end the charade of pretending that the money is being sent to that certain country in Eastern Europe and instead just deposit it directly in Hunter’s bank account.
While Congress went along with the idea relatively quickly, particularly given the amount of cash the lobbyists had at their disposal to grease palms and stuff pockets, there was one concession agreed to by the Bidens and the legislature: Biden family “fixer” James Biden would be appointed as an administrator of the account so as to make sure that Hunter didn’t spend all of it on crack.
Hunter was reportedly furious about that, but, given the massive amount of money on the line (billions of dollars), acceded to the request so that his family could acquire the billions upon billions of dollars that it was expecting from the lobbyist-created deal.
Senator Ted Cruz, defending the deal as a “bipartisan compromise”, said:
“I know this might look bad to some of you out there, but think of it this way: now, we’re not sending money abroad that raises tensions with Russia, nor are we furthering corruption at home or abroad.
“Rather, we’re just skipping all those messy steps and greedy middle men and sending the money where, realistically, we all knew that it was going to go from the beginning.
“So, before you start freaking out on Twitter or doing whatever you’re planning on doing to demonstrate or protest against this bill, just remember that it has some good sides too. Plus, we got what we wanted: Hunter won’t be spending it on crack, which is a win in the drug war that we definitely haven’t lost yet!”
Trump, responding acidly on Twitter, asked if “Lying Ted’s” “ugly wife” told him to say that or if he came up with the “stupid defense of going along with Democrat corruption” was something that “Ted and the RINOs” came up with all on their own.
Ted said that he “wouldn’t dignify that with a response,” which means that the truth must be even more embarrassing than initially thought.