NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Hunter Biden, as dignified and reasonable as ever, appeared on CNN to talk with Brian Stelter in what was meant to be an image rehabilitation interview, one that would make him look good and his enemies back off. It didn’t go well.
Things started to go off the rails when Hunter, who by this point had been away from his beloved crack pipe for over 30 minutes and thus had a hankering for some crack, started getting touchy and responding to Stelter with ever meaner comments.
At one point, when asked why he hadn’t painted any additional pictures recently, Hunter responded by saying “because I’m stuck talking to a**holes that look like fat potatoes on s***ty cable TV networks that no one watches. Not exactly a great use of time, Bri-guy.”
Stelter, nervous about getting fired if he antagonized Hunter too much, let that comment go, though the interview got gradually colder and more uncomfortable as Hunter, who just wanted it to end so that he could get back to smoking crack, kept being a jerk when responding.
Finally, Stelter snapped, losing it on Hunter and, after thirty seconds of a mix of crying and howling, said:
“You’re just a big, mean bully. You’re not impressive, you just smoked crack and made money off of being the president’s son! I hate you!”
Stelter then ran off the set crying, hiding his already puffy eyes in his flabby hands.
Hunter, unsure what to do but sensing an opportunity to make a “good” impression with the audience, decided to launch into a long explanation of why he thinks the US taxpayer should pick up his crack bill, explaining that he was only addicted because of the stresses of being Joe’s son and that a grateful nation should keep him going so that he could keep supporting his father.
Then, in a decidedly ill-advised decision, Hunter decided to light up on live TV, smoking his crack pipe on the set while the CNN team, too shocked to do anything other than watch in horror as Hunter, having smoked the crack, started going crazy on air, ranting and raving while stalking around the now empty room and claiming that he would “fry the potato”, by which he presumably meant he would harm Brian Stelter in some way.
The White House, in a statement released shortly after the disastrous interview, decided to blame CNN and Stelter for putting Hunter in a “tricky situation” in which he “wasn’t sure about the best course of action nor understood that the show was live” and thus “tricked him into pretending to smoke crack on TV as a misguided attempt at being entertaining.”
Charges have not yet been filed but are expected for Hunter’s drug use, as the event took place in Atlanta and Brian Kemp needs a win.