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Democratic Party Convinces Biden Not to Run Again by Telling Him He Can Nap if He Retires

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    During a recent radio interview, a former advisor to President Bill Clinton, Dick Morris, said that Biden is going to have a hard time of it in 2022, saying:

    “When Biden as president can’t get more than 25% of the primary vote in his own party, that’s near death. He’s so incredibly vulnerable/ You’d think he’d be at 40% or 50% at the least. That means pretty much anybody that breathes on him can knock him over.

    It’s different. Trump took them like mementos, like an ashtray. A letter from Kim Jong-un that he could show people … [Biden’s situation] is directly linked to a big bribery scandal involving the vice president and his son. That’s a whole other situation.”

    It will knock Biden out of the race.”

    Well, with all that and more in mind, the Democrats are scrambling to find a way to get Biden out of the race so that they can avoid a fight between those who want to keep using Biden as a puppet and those who would prefer to try and themselves be the puppet. With Biden looking worse and worse, Newsom and others angling for the position, and the scandal continuing to unfold day by day, they need a way out.

    And so they’ve tried everything to try and get him to retire. They first suggested that he look at polling and realize that losing was a distinct possibility. But, though he more or less grasped what they meant by that, he didn’t really care. Instead, he focused on the polling showing that he still could win. “Can’t play it safe all the time, I’m gonna run again, Jack,” he reportedly told staff. And why not? Why wouldn’t he? He’ll soon be dead anyways, might as well try to be president for another term.

    With the polling not working, they tried everything else. Using the Hunter laptop, the documents from his garage, and all the rest of it they threatened and cajoled him, telling him they’d start leaking to make him look bad unless he dropped out.

    But Biden didn’t care. As with the polling, he knows he doesn’t have much time left anyway and would prefer to at least try and spend it in the White House rather than elsewhere.

    So the Democrats failed, until they caught him at a particularly tired moment (he had to stay up past his 4 pm bedtime for a state dinner). Then, with Biden nodding off at 5:30, a staffer nonchalantly mentioned that he’d have more time to nape if he retired and became an “elder statesman” rather than the president. Biden loved the idea and went for it, volunteering to retire as soon as they wanted him to so that he could spend more time napping.

    By: Will Tanner. Follow me on Twitter @Will_Tanner_1

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