NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Desperate to rework Fourth of July celebrations to make them “anti-racist” and “accessible to all Americans”, the Democrats have decided to entirely rework the DC celebrations and make them more in line with current leftist orthodoxy.
Namely, that meant removing fireworks, which Democrats bizarrely claimed had a “racist history”, with the only evidence of that being that some slave owners were fond of fireworks, and replacing the military parade with something that even AOC wouldn’t call “fascist”.
So, they started with the parade, deciding to utilize the Pride Month infrastructure to organize yet another gay pride parade that would march past the White House while Biden expressed his love for and appreciation for “all LGBTQ people”. AOC was content with that, though she derided the notion of an organized march as a “fascist aesthetic”, and so the marchers were told not to form ranks but rather form a listless mob that just wandered around on the streets and ask people to clap for them.
After figuring that that was a good enough way to get rid of the parade and replace it with something less offensive, the eye of leftist Sauron then turned to the “racist” fireworks.
At first, plans were considered that involved either having the fireworks spell out BLM or having an announcer say that the fireworks were anti-racist fireworks rather than traditional, racist fireworks. Both plans were decided against.
While the BLM idea sounded great, many within the White House were worried that the government was no longer competent enough to spell things with fireworks and so wouldn’t be able to show that the fireworks were anti-racist. The announcement plan was decided against because it was worried that deaf people wouldn’t be able to hear it, and might not be in a position to see the announcer, and thus that they wouldn’t understand that the fireworks were anti-racist.
So, instead of doing either of those things or just risk using the “racist” fireworks, Democrats canceled the entire fireworks display and decided to instead televise an anti-racist poetry reading with both subtitles and a sign-language interpreter prominently displayed.
Biden, announcing the plan, put his foot in his mouth yet again, saying on TV that “Kamala told him that black people don’t like fireworks” so the White House would instead be funding and promoting an “anti-racist poetry reading that black people will like”, a statement which drew outrage both from other “oppressed” groups and from black people that like fireworks.
Unsure how to proceed, the White House decided to downplay the whole event and instead announce that it had “already celebrated Independence Day on Juneteenth”, though it declined to note that fireworks used on that occasion had not been the special, anti-racist fireworks that were so critical to the July 4th celebration.