NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Tired of the Florida political scene and confident that he could make quite the pretty penny in stock options if he managed to turn the company around, Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida decided to drop out of the Florida gubernatorial race and instead use his connections with wealthy businessmen and knowledge of what has made consumers against Disney to present himself as a viable candidate for Disney’s new CEO.
He announced that plan when appearing for a press conference in Tampa, wearing a Mickey Mouse-covered, Hawaiian-style shirt and sipping a pina colada inside a pineapple and saying:
“Look, politics is fun and all, but I think I’ve done a pretty good job of setting the standard where now everyone gets the point. Just, like, don’t be a loser and do your best to stand up to the left. Take away tax breaks, make fun of them on Twitter, rally conservatives against woke capital and encourage them to make substitutions: it’s really not that hard.
“So, frankly, I don’t think I’m needed as governor anymore. All you need is some half-competent guy with even a modicum of a spine and a few thousand followers on Twitter. This is Florida, so we have plenty of those. I suggest Don Jr., but anyone would probably do fine.
“Because of that, I think it’s time I make a career change: I’m gonna be the new CEO of Disney and use that position to turn what used to be a great Florida institution and money maker but is now just a creepy collection of groomers making bad movies and doing a bad job of running an overpriced theme park.
“So, I’d like your help in making that possible. I encourage all of you to start buying up Disney shares, which are currently half-priced thanks to my crackdown on the woke company, and own as much of the company as you can so that you can help vote for me to become CEO. We already have Trump, Peter Thiel, and other conservative billionaires working on the project, but any shares you can buy would be very helpful.
“Once there, I’ll turn around the company completely and use what I know to start producing good content that consumers want to see rather than woke trash that goes unwatched, use movies to teach kids to be patriotic citizens rather than groomer-connected weirdos, and rein in woke employees of the company to keep it out of the spotlight and push it back into being a loved company rather than a hated one. It can’t be that hard, all we have to do is not push weird stuff on kids and make entertaining movies using our venerable IP resources.”
Trump cheered the move, saying that he couldn’t wait to reactivate his Disney+ package under the “DeSantis Plan”, though it’s suspected that he really just wants DeSantis out of the political scene to make his 2024 run easier.
Disney, for its part, pledged to resist his takeover plan, though market watchers are claiming that recent transitions make it appear that conservatives are buying up large chunks of the company’s stock.