NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
After deciding that splitting the party by fighting out a 2024 primary battle would not be a good decision or help anyone, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and President Donald Trump decided to settle their dispute in what seemed like the best way possible: by finding out who the left hated more and then letting that person run.
First, they had to decide who best represented “the left.” Joe Biden seemed too senile and out of it to get a good opinion from, Kamala Harris was just too unpleasant to talk to for the two men to want to ask her, and the other Democrat standouts, people such as Pete Buttigieg and John Kerry, seemed too out of touch with the average leftie apparatchik to get a good opinion from.
So, after running through those options, they decided that a media personality on the left would be better to ask than a leftie politician. A number of potential options cropped up, from Chris Wallace on the more sane side to Whoopi Goldberg on the other side. They eventually settled on the middle option, choosing CNN’s Brian Stelter.
Well, Brian Stelter who used to work at CNN. They forgot he had been fired and so had to track him down, finding him eating cheese puffs and watching My Little Pony reruns in his boxers at home while “in between jobs.” They then asked which one he hated more and Stelter eventually settled on Trump, saying:
“Look, I probably should hate Ron more. He’s about as MAGA-ish and, like, on the right. He’s good at rallying a segment of the MAGA base. And he’s way, way, way more competent than Don. But, to be honest, he just doesn’t seem as dangerous to me and my friends. Maybe it’s that he has to look at notes when speaking, maybe it’s that he doesn’t seem to grasp the emergency of the moment, but probably it’s that he hangs out with people like Paul Ryan.
“And so I have to say that I hate Trump more. He’s nowhere near as good at actually getting things done as DeSantis, but man is he actually a fighter that knows how to take on the left. Like a bull in a china shop during an earthquake. Plus he’s really, really mean. The insults I worry will come my way from him…they give me nightmares. Like every night. It’s horrible.”
So, with that decided, the two shook hands and decided to let Trump run in 2024. Stelter went back to eating junk food and having nightmares about what Trump might say about him.