NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
The feds really, really don’t want Elon Musk to buy Twitter and turn it into a pro-free speech platform. Worried that he’ll turn it into a free-speech platform rather than one that cracks down on speech that’s not good for the regime, they’re now willing to pull out all the stops to block him from acquiring the site and enabling criticism of their demented policies.
Apparently, that even includes getting the FBI to start making up things about him as it has done with other anti-regime figures, such as the few militia members in Michigan that weren’t also FBI agents.
Viewing that operation as a total success, or at least better than its attempts at taking down other figures, the FBI has apparently decided to use it as a template for attacking Elon. That’s right, now the FBI is baselessly accusing Elon of planning to kidnap and kill Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer.
What happened was a classic FBI op. Catching Elon with a bottle of his now-famous Tesla-branded tequila, which is reasonably good and comes in a cool lightning bolt-shaped bottle, FBI Agent Richard Liumes approached Elon and asked if he could interview him for a “puff piece” on his innovation in the space economy space.
His guard down thanks to the tequila and success of a recent launch of a Space Station resupply mission, Elon grudgingly gave the guy five minutes. Liumes, turning on his natural charm, got Elong chatting and the two soon blew past the five minute mark, talking about everything under the sun, though Elon told him that really that phrase isn’t correct because the solar system isn’t flat, as it’s depicted in many simplistic models of the solar system.
Using that comment as an “in”, Liumes asked Elon if he’d like to launch leftist politicians like Whitmer into the sun, to which Elon responded by chuckling and saying “sure”, though that such a mission would be a waste of a perfectly good rocket.
With that, Liumes drew his handgun and placed Elon under arrest, a swarm of heavily-armed FBI agents joining him in cuffing the eccentric billionaire and tossing him in an unmarked police van.
Elon’s lawyers vowed to fight what they characterized as an “obvious case of entrapment” as the FBI released a heavily-edited transcript of the interview that “falsely” made it look like Elon was threatening to capture and behead Governor Whitmer (he was really discussing a video game he has boosted on Twitter, “Elden Ring”).
FBI Director Wray, in a statement given shortly after the arrest, said “thank goodness that Agent Liumes was able to take such bold action and bring this thug, this right-wing hitman, to justice. How would America survive without the bravery of such agents as Liumes and those that joined him in taking down Elon?”
Much as the DC elite wanted, the Twitter deal was put on hold given the circumstances. Pelosi, who had preemptively shorted the stock, made millions when the market opened and Twitter stock crashed.