NOTE: The following article is satirical, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Things are getting so crazy thanks to inflation that now even low-cost “restaurants” like Pizza Hut and Domino’s have been forced to make accommodations, offering a layaway option for those who want to order a pizza but can’t thanks to the currently high price of fake cheese, grease, and pepperoni.
Discussing that move, a joint venture between the two pizza titans and JP Morgan, the head of the project said:
“Yes, yes, we realize this might strike some of you as ridiculous. Who wants to go into a boatload of debt to buy a pepperoni pizza or some breadsticks? I get it. It seems weird.
“But hey, maybe it’s your kiddo’s birthday, maybe you’re hungry after a bit too much jazz cabbage and need some cheese bread, maybe you’re just having a meeting but the business is having a hard time making ends meet thanks to Bidenflation. I don’t know, I’m not you.
“So, if you need to buy a pizza with a financing option, now you can. At the low interest rate of only 8% per month, now you too can stuck up on ‘za and not have to empty your bank account while doing so. You’re welcome.”
Jim Edwards, a premier modeler of consumer behavior and personal finance advisor that writes on the site “Don’t Spend Your Money on This Sh**”, was asked about the new financing option and said:
“I will say this once, and try to say it as clearly as possible: if you are an American consumer, please, for the love of God and all that is holy, do not waste your money on paying usurious interest rates for an overpriced pizza.
“Though it might sound great to eat now and pay later, you will have to pay way more and the pizza isn’t even that good. This is a complete waste of money, a naked money grab by greedy companies that would trick you into going even deeper into consumer debt just to make a quick buck off of selling overpriced, soy-based food.
“So no, this is not a good deal. Get out of debt, not deeper into it just to buy a crappy pizza or some breadsticks to satisfy your munchies.”
Unfortunately, however, it doesn’t look like America listened to Mr. Edwards, as hungry Americans took out a tremendous amount of debt so that they could buy a greasy pizza from greasy companies and banksters.
Within a few short years, according to Jim Edwards’ predictions, the “pizza debt” category will outpace student loans and credit card debt combined, making the debt problem an even more crushing burden for the average consumer.
When asked if they were worried about that, the bankers and pizza companies said that they would make sure to tell consumers to “eat responsibly”, but that they couldn’t be held responsible for the financial mistakes of their customers, especially given the current inflation crisis and supply chain problems.