NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Desperate to make himself relevant again after many weeks of people caring about things other than getting a cough that lasts for a day or two, Dr. Tony Fauci called in to CNN to try and re-enter the public sphere by commenting on the Hunter Biden situation.
Speaking on Hunter’s antics as exposed by the videos that 4chan trolls leaked after hacking into Hunter Biden’s iCloud account, Fauci told Brian “The Potato” Stelter:
“I’m not one to wade into family dramas or tell people how to live their lives. I’ve never done that, never will do that, and never intend on doing that. It’s just not who I am; I’m a big fan of individual liberty and would never tell anyone what to do.
“But, and that’s an important ‘but,’ I do have some advice to provide to Americans riding out what’s hopefully the last wave of the Covid virus, at least for now: if you find yourself with crack dealers and prostitutes, situations like the ones that Hunter, president’s son, appears to have found himself in, you should definitely wear a mask.
“It’s important to remember that these people don’t have the best hygiene, that they’ve probably had contact with many other people that weren’t vaccinated, and that close contact of any sort is still a risk.
“And, beyond that, monkeypox is the new disease of note. Yes, that’s right, I’m hip and know which viruses are important! Hahahaha. So, anyway, if you find yourself in risky sexual situations like Hunter Biden did, remember to both practice as safe sex as possible and proper monkeypox mitigation techniques, such as cleaning yourself off quickly following the end of the sex session.”
At that point, Stelter then started looking very concerned, so Fauci paused his monologue and said, in a typically gravely voice, “is everything okay, Brian?”
Stelter, sweating profusely and looking quite embarrassed, said:
“Wait, so, theoretically, of course…not that any of this, ummm, well, in any way applies to me, if one were to have briefly visited a Turkish bath house in San Francisco and had…sexual relations with a number of possible monkeypox victims, there was a risk of transmission and cleaning up afterward would be a smart decision?”
Looking grossed out but doing his best to respond politely regardless, Fauci said “Yes, Brian. I would say so. That would help limit the risk of contracting monkeypox, though the safest monkeypox sex is no monkeypox sex. At least until we figure out how to reduce the risk of spreading it with medicine.”
The color draining from his face, Stelter then ripped the microphone off of himself and ran out of the room as fast as his feet could carry his massive paunch (not very quickly), yelling that his departure had nothing to do with the monkeypox conversation but that he urgently needed to shower.