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BREAKING: Elon Offers to Buy America, Turn It Into a Functional Country Again

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact.

    With the Twitter deal apparently off, or at least on the verge of failing, Tesla and Space X founder and CEO Elon Musk, is apparently looking for new ways to spend his money, as he just offered to buy America and turn it into a functional country again.

    He made that offer on Twitter, posting, in an uncharacteristically long thread about his plans and his offer, that he planned to “unlock value” in America by “running it like a business, rather than an oligarchy ruled by the most senile and insane among us.” In full, he said:

    As you have heard, the Twitter deal is probably off. That idiot Parag and his fellow fake techies obviously lied about the 5% bot figure, as they won’t show me how they came up with it, so I’m going to walk away for now.

    “But that doesn’t mean I’m going to sit on my money like Scrooge McDuck. Rather, I want to use it to empower Americans to live their lives the way they think they should, and so will spend it in the way that seems like the most direct path toward that goal: buying America.

    “That’s right, I want to buy America for the same $44 billionish figure that I planned on buying Twitter for. Unlike Twitter, it will come with trillions in debt that needs to be paid off, is full of even more dead wood (in terms of employees, bureaucrats, apparatchiks, etc.) that need to be chopped away, and has been managed worse for longer. 

    “Unlike Twitter, however, it isn’t entirely a cancerous dumpster fire, so I am confident that I can recover my investment, pay off the debt, and make America better for the people living in it even faster than would have been the case with Twitter.

    “How? Simple. By unlocking value, by running it like a business, rather than an oligarchy ruled by the most senile and insane amongst us. Imagine if any company you know of was run by Biden. You sure wouldn’t invest in it. Why would anyone invest in America?

    “With me in charge, America will grow faster than ever, will be run better than ever, and things will go better than ever before. That I promise.

    It’s not clear who Elon will go to with his offer, but a petition started by the Daily Wire and shared on Twitter and Instagram by Joe Rogan, who has interviewed Elon numerous times, has already garnered 95 million signatures, which is over 13 million more than the number of votes that Biden supposedly received in 2020.

    The White House pledged to fight “Elon’s racism” by rejecting the offer, but word leaking out of the Executive Mansion is that Biden wants to accept it so that he can go back to napping rather than pretending to run the country. Kamala, who apparently still thinks she can win an election, is very much against that idea.

    Elon later called for a plebiscite to decide his offer, but whether that will happen is unclear.

    By: Gen Z Conservative, editor of Follow me on Parler and Gettr.

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