Skip to content

Elon Cancels $1 CNN Purchase Bid, Says “No Amount Would Be Small Enough for that Dumpster Fire”

    shutterstock 2143053743 3.elon
    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Elon Musk, back when it looked like his Twitter deal might be on hold as dealt with wrangling the company into sending him the necessary information on bots and got employees to start cooperating and stop fighting him on every issue, decided to show that he was keeping his options open by offering to buy all of CNN for $1.

    Yes, it wouldn’t have used up as much of his cash as the $43 billion Twitter offer, but he felt it was still a realistic enough purchase price to keep Twitter on its toes, saying at the time that “given Brian Stelter’s employment” at CNN and the network’s ridiculously poor performance in attempting to bring about CNN+, the streaming service that failed after over a month, that he thought the $1 purchase price was “more than fair”.

    The eccentric billionaire has since changed his mind on the offer, however, taking to Twitter to announce that, in his opinion, the $1 offer was “way too high” and that CNN “should be begging and paying” him to take it over and turn it around.

    That tweet sparked a firestorm so he appeared on Tucker Carlson’s show (not a CNN program, notably) to discuss it, saying:

    “Well, look, you can’t just look at how much revenue CNN, or any company for that matter, brings in. That’s a good starting point, but not everything you need to know. If it were just current revenue, then CNN would be worth many multiples of $1. Perhaps it’d even be worth a million or so dollars, though given Brian Stelter’s being on the network, that might be high.

    “Anyway, you need to look into the future and try to discern what direction revenue looks like it is going in. That’s the big issue, the thing you need to worry about.

    “So I did that and, given the direction the economy is headed, how piss poor of a job they’ve done managing the company, and the absolutely horrendous, and I mean horrendous, content they’re producing, $1 just seemed like way too much. I mean, frankly, upon looking more closely at the company, no amount would be small enough for that dumpster fire of a news network, with news being defined there as whatever Brian Stelter, the Potato, wants to whine about.

    “So no, I won’t be buying it. Definitely not. I’ll be saving my money and doing literally anything but that. Anything. Though it would be fun to get to fire Stelter, Lemon, and those other losers, it’s just not worth the price they want, which is way more than $1.”

    “And how much is that,” Tucker asked, “How much do they want?”

    “$7,” replied Elon, “which is way too steep for what you’d be buying, ya know?”

    “Oh yeah, I get it” Tucker shot back, “though maybe I’d even shell out a tenner for the chance to fire Stelter. I’d just have to avoid a bidding war with Hannity over that, they hate each other.”

    By: Gen Z Conservative, editor of Follow me on Facebook and Subscribe to My Email List

    Do you think Trump should be arrested?(Required)
    This poll gives you free access to our premium politics newsletter. Unsubscribe at any time.
    This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.