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Elon Creates His Own Personal Security Company Following Leftist Assassination Attempts on Him

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    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such

    Following the most recent attempt on Elon’s life and recurrent attempts to track and kill him thanks to his resistance to the regime, Elon has stood up a private security company that will keep him safe and provide protection services to any who criticize the ruling regime and put their lives at risk by doing so.

    Elon apparently recognized the importance of standing up such a company after the recent attempt on his life, about which he tweeted, saying:

    Any account doxxing real-time location info of anyone will be suspended, as it is a physical safety violation. This includes posting links to sites with real-time location info.

    Posting locations someone traveled to on a slightly delayed basis isn’t a safety problem, so is ok.

    Last night, car carrying lil X in LA was followed by crazy stalker (thinking it was me), who later blocked car from moving & climbed onto hood.

    Legal action is being taken against Sweeney & organizations who supported harm to my family.

    Anyone recognize this person or car?


    Following up on that, Elon later tweeted out an image of him meeting with Blackwater founder Erik Prince at an undisclosed location somewhere in the Caribbean, where the two were apparently having cocktails and discussing personal security services.

    Commenting on his own tweet to provide more context and insight into his plans later in the day, Elon said:

    “Erik here founded Blackwater decades ago and, despite much unfair media criticism of the company, it did a great job. No one it was protecting in Iraq, which was super violent at the time, was even injured! Very impressive, just what we need. 

    “So, now that Twitter is on track for profitability and the woke mind virus is causing people to try and kill me, we need to create something similar for whistleblowers and regime critics. Erik here, who is no fan at all of the current regime, has said he is willing to stand up and fight against the woke crazies by helping me out with this project, so I am very excited to announce that we will be creating Musk Security Services together in the coming weeks.

    “It will start off just protecting me and a few members of my inner circle, then will expand to include cost-effective security solutions for all those who have stood up to the regime and those infected by the woke mind virus. We  think there’s a large market among journalists, dissidents, and whistleblowers for this sort of thing, particularly among people that have dirt on Hillary Clinton!”

    Team Biden called Elon’s announcement “racist” and a “clear attack on people of color”, but had no real mechanism with which it could stop the creation of the new company, which will be headquartered in Texas.

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