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Elon DELETES Twitter in Move Cheered by Literally Everyone

    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Elon Musk, after having spent $44 billion dollars to buy Twitter, decided to do the best thing possible and just delete it for good, making the last post on the platform “the dumpster fire has been extinguished” and then logging off and deleting the service.

    The move was widely applauded by everyone except for the ~10,000 grifters who were only popular because they did a good job stealing other people’s ideas and posting them on Twitter to much acclaim from bots they bought to make it look like they had a large reach.

    Other than those losers, Americans raucously cheered Elon’s decision, with some even taking the dramatic step of logging off their laptops and going outside. Many of those basement denizens, though happy at their newfound freedom from screen slavery, had to quickly run back inside because they weren’t acclimated to the heat or pollen of late spring.

    Elon, speaking about the decision on Joe Rogan’s podcast later in the day, had this to say:

    “Yeah, well, I looked at Twitter before buying and thought ‘how can I unlock value?’ The free speech thing came up, which is important–”

    Joe then interrupted him saying, “Yeah, super f***ing important, man.”

    Elon, taking a toke from Joe’s joint, then continued, saying “But then I realized that the real way to unlock value in America that had to do with Twitter was just deleting it, wiping it away for good. I mean, all anyone uses it for is bickering, so it’s not like it’s useful for anything. Today we saw a 5% popularity boost at Tesla and a 30% boost at SpaceX, I guess the employees there spend more time on their computers, which if it continues for a while should pay off bigly.

    The duo giggled at the Trump reference, “bigly,” and then Rogan responded, saying: “Yeah man, that’s really f***ing genius. Couldn’t be happier, even if now I see fewer videos of gorillas doing cool s***. But like, it’s a good thing, for sure. For sure. I mean, now maybe all those fat f**** sitting on their a***s will get up and get outside.

    The two then started laughing while Elon tried to explain the intricacies of landing a rocket on Mars, with Joe asking if the first one would have chimps in it like during the original space program.

    On the right, the move was widely applauded by all but a few Conservative, Inc. grifters who moaned about the loss of their “audiences.” Everyone else cheered seeing the liberal platform disappear, particularly because Facebook is a far better source of news.

    On the left, everyone but the grifters cheered too, as the libs were happy and relieved that they no longer had to worry about “hate speech” on the platform.

    All of corporate America was wildly happy because of the projected productivity boost and the companies in the S&P 500 even offered to pay off Musk’s $44  billion debt in gratitude for his decision.

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