NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Desperate to be able to haul all nine of his children to Mars to get them away from their moms (his ex-wives and girlfriends), all of whom say bad things about him behind his back now that he’s no longer “seeing them” or “solving the underpopulation crisis” with them, Elon Musk decided to direct the team at SpaceX to help him design a “SpaceX Van” that he could drive them all to Mars in for a nice week with the family, minus their mothers of course.
Describing that idea in a recent Zoom call in which he covered everything from the fall through of the Tesla deal to his internet spat with Trump, Elon said:
“So I wanted to find a way to get the kids away from their moms because…hell…they tell you not to do, well, you know what with crazy but I couldn’t help it. Have you seen what Grimes is up to nowadays? I just don’t want the kids around that…
“Anyway, I figured taking them to Mars would be a good way to get them away from their moms, so I told the guys over at SpaceX to halt work on the Falcon series, for now at least, to make a van-type one that I could use to take the kiddos to the red planet.
“The engineers were kinda pissed, but they didn’t want to do anything that would piss me off too much before, like, the recession happens, so they all went along with it, even if a few of the old hands grumbled a bit.
“They settled on calling it the ‘Space Odyssey’, which is hilarious, and it’ll be top tier. We’re talking individual movie screens and headsets for the kids, sliding doors for when we land on Mars and get to walk around some, an awesome autopilot for me, and a full Twitter link up so that I can keep the tweets coming as we float through space and I have time to think of some funny memes. I think I’m going to have some good ones for sure, but like I hope the kids don’t distract me from that too much.”
The SpaceX Space Odyssey is, however, a bit more expensive than a typical Odyssey van; it costs a whopping $300 million dollars, though Elon hinted that the per unit cost will fall as other billionaires buy them as a way of getting the kids away from constantly complaining and demeaning ex-wives for a few months.
Elon did, however, say that there was one other problem:
“At the end, they were like ‘we installed a few extra seats, will any other kids pop up? And I was like ‘no, no way, we can get rid of those.’ But then it turned out that I have a few more kids, so it was pretty embarrassing to say that they needed to re-install the seats.”