NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
When Sulla, the Roman general and dictator that chased away Gaius Marius and restored the Roman Republic, returned to Rome and wanted to solidify power, he started posting “proscriptions.”
Those proscriptions were names of political enemies, and if one’s name was on the list then whoever killed them would receive a reward, normally part of their property. As Brittanica describes the practice:
“[A proscription was] a posted notice listing Roman citizens who had been declared outlaws and whose goods were confiscated. Rewards were offered to anyone killing or betraying the proscribed, and severe penalties were inflicted on anyone harbouring them. Their properties were confiscated, and their sons and grandsons were forever barred from public office and from the Senate.
“The process was first used by the dictator Sulla in 82 or 81 BC. To avenge massacres by Gaius Marius and his son, some 520 wealthy opponents of Sulla were proscribed and their property given to Sulla’s veterans.”
Well, Elon must have studied up on his late Roman Republic history, because reports leaking out of Twitter HQ indicated that Musk, who arrived on a startlingly white horse, wielding a flamethrower in one hand and iPhone with Twitter open on it in another, started posting proscriptions to hasten the purge of woke employees from Twitter.
A fearful Twitter employee, hiding under “xis” desk and calling in to CNN as Peter Thiel’s minions roamed about, looking to receive Dogecoin for taking out those on the lists, spoke in a hushed tone and said:
“They’re hunting us. I’ve been hiding under my desk all day, hoping without hope that they won’t find me and drag me out by my nosering, cowering in fear and looking for an opportunity to dart to the safe space or crying room, both of which our people are tenaciously holding onto, flooding away the invaders with their tears.
“But I haven’t had a chance yet and things are looking worse, particularly because the invaders are playing Ben Shapiro on repeat to drive us mad and force us out of our hidey holes.”
The well-meaning CNN anchor, attempting to highlight the extent of the suffering and catastrophe, said “Sir, now can you tell us how many of your comrades are left? How far have Thiel and Musk gone in hunting you down?”
The caller, furious at the anchor for using the wrong pronouns, screeched “IT’S XIR! DON’T MISGENDER ME!”
While the anchor pledged not to do so, it didn’t end up mattering; the screech had exposed xis hidden location, and Thiel’s minions rushed over, hoping to scalp another blue-hair and cash in on their Dogecoin bonus.
Elon, asked to give a statement on the situation after the fact, quoted Sulla and said “No friend ever served me, and no enemy ever wronged me, whom I have not repaid in full” before riding off on his horse, which had been branded with the Tesla logo on one side and Twitter logo on the other, with a trail of blue scalps trailing behind him.
The Thiel minions were reportedly yelling “This is Elon country” as he rode off into the sunset.