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Elon to Create “Twitter Duels”, Where Accounts that Routinely Bicker Can Fight It Out

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Taking action to try and expand Twitter’s offerings to keep it growing and popular, Twitter’s brilliant new owner and CEO, Elon Musk, decided to create “Twitter duels”, a space in which those who routinely fight with other accounts on Twitter can duel with their constant enemies in real life to show who’s boss.

    Elon, announcing the new program, said “Well, so we realized that there is a desire, on Twitter, for in person confrontation. Like between the doxxing and posting about where people are, their real time location stuff, there are a lot of accounts out there that seem interesting in meeting up to fight it out.”

    Continuing, Elon then said “But, the way that currently works is no good. Like, you shouldn’t just win because you organized a mob of weirdos that then attacked one guy…or girl or whatever, you know what I mean. So, that means we need to find a way to limit that doxxing, but also let people fight. Because they obviously want to be able to do so.”

    He then got down to details and how the planned dueling program was made at least somewhat legal, saying “So what we did is we bought this unpopulated island controlled by the Ivory Coast, which amended its laws to allow dueling. Now, if you get in a fight with someone on Twitter, or they insult you on Twitter, and you want to duel them, you can submit a “duel request”. If we find that the challenge is valid, then it goes to the next stage, where the other party decided to go through with it or not and you decide whether to back off. If either party backs down, at that point, then their account will be permanently suspended for cowardice. We don’t want cowards on the platform.”

    Then what happens? He got to that too: “If both parties show some courage and move forward with it, then that’s when the duel starts. We’ll pick you up, take you to the airport, put you on a plane, and get you to the island. You’ll have to pay the travel costs, but we handle it and the winner gets reimbursed. Then, when you get to the island, you choose swords or pistols and start dueling, which should be pretty fun. We expect this will be a very popular program.”

    Trump appeared to be very excited about the program. Getting back on Twitter, he proceeded to get into fights with Jeb Bush, Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, and Chuck Schumer, with leaks from Twitter suggesting that he has already emailed support asking for the duel option to be rolled out so that he can duel them. He also wants to duel Joe Biden, but Biden has logged off Twitter to avoid dueling challenges.

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