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EMBARASSING: BLM Protester Hopes No One Finds Out Her Phone, Coffee, Clothing Made with Slave Labor

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such

    Adrianna Remington was just getting back to her home from a long day of burning, looting, marching, and screaming in protest when she saw a newspaper sitting outside her neighbor’s house and, as the front page was titled MODERN SLAVERY, she stole it and went inside to read it.

    What she read shocked her. According to the article, the Foxconn plants in Red China that make iPhones (of which she’s had one of each generation since the 3G) are basically slave labor camps where nets have to be put under the windows so that workers can’t commit suicide and where the conditions would seem terrible even to a textile worker in the 19th century.

    Concerned, and furious that her favorite piece of technology was made with slave labor, particularly as she had lots of videos of herself participating in tearing down confederate statutes on her phone, Adrianna looked up what other goods might be utilizing slave labor.

    First she found Nike shoes and was shocked and furious, as their shoes are the best ones for looting and marching in, particularly since Kaepernick bravely signed aboard with them. Curious how they could support a BLM figure like Kaepernick while using slave labor in Southeast Asia, she fired off an email to customer support but is yet to receive a satisfactory response.

    Next she discovered how her coffee is made and was horrified. She planned on switching to tea, but doubted it was any better and didn’t like the imperialist, colonial origins of whites drinking tea.

    Forcing herself to go back to researching, she found that the cotton shirts her boyfriend and fellow protester Kentannke Washington wears when the two rage against the system together are made with slave labor in Xinjiang, China, as are some of the more comfortable pieces of cotton clothing she wears. “And here I was thinking we did away with cotton-related slavery after crushing those southern racists,” she muttered, sipping a latte absentmindedly.

    She had to stop her research when she found out that her hero, Hillary Clinton, effectively turned Libya into a massive slave market for no real reason, bombing its functional government to dust out of hubris and then refusing to fix the nation she broke, a string of actions that led to a massive boom in slavery on the dark continent.

    Needless to say, all of Adrianna’s research made her next protest a bit awkward. Unwilling to change her lifestyle to do away with goods made by slave labor, she showed up wearing her favorite cotton shirt and Nike shoes with an iPhone in one hand and a grande black coffee in another, hoping no one read the same articles that she did.

    Invited to the speaker’s platform in front of a Robert E Lee statue the group wanted to tear down, she said “This statue must be destroyed! Here is the image of a man who knew about the evil of the world, who saw the sickening slavery of the southern system, who benefitted from his and other’s holding of human chattel, and who did nothing to combat that system! He must be destroyed!

    She then stepped off the platform and guiltily sipper her latte.

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