NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Things took an awkward turn in the White House on Thursday, when members of the White House Committee on Stopping Drug Use, an organization that hasn’t really been paid much attention, released a new ad about the dangers of drug use.
While relatively tolerable to both Democrats and Republicans, given its focus on the need to have understanding when dealing with drug users and their addictions while also highlighting the dangers of drug addiction and the ravages of the cartels, the advertisement drove the White House crazy, as one of the examples of the danger of drugs in it was Hunter Biden.
The relevant dialogue of that portion of the ad said, while showing pictures of Hunter with crack teeth as sad music played in the background:
“Here’s the danger of crack: your teeth will rot as your mind does, gradually wearing your entire body down as it ravages your system.
“And make no mistake: though crack is more prevalent in some communities than others, anyone can be caught in its addictive snares. The person you’re seeing now is Hunter Biden, son of the sitting president. He got addicted to crack and things were so bad because of his addiction that he resorted to smoking parmesan cheese.
“Is that what you want for your future? Do you want to knock up a stripper and go crazy sniffing around for crack like Hunter?
“No? Then don’t smoke crack, kids!”
The ad proved startlingly effective in focus group testing, particularly among the children of wealthier American families, seeing as they did that drug use didn’t just destroy the lives of poor people, but could mess up their lives too.
The “knocking up a stripper” bit was later cut, however, as it didn’t sound all that bad to the high school boy demographic, one of the major audiences the PSA/advertisement was trying to reach.
Other than that, however, the ad was hugely effective at convincing kids that drug use was a bad idea.
However, its reliance on Hunter Biden as an example infuriated Joe, who didn’t want the mess that is his family dragged into the news even more, particularly as the images used in it came from Hunter’s laptop.
Psaki, asked about the ad in a press conference later in the day, had this to say:
“Yes, we understand that drug use is a problem in America, and we commend the task force on creating such a highly effective ad. However, we don’t think that using Hunter was ideal, and the president certainly doesn’t want his family drama highlighted on the TV in government PSAs. So obviously we need to work on some of the finer points regarding their messaging and tweak it to fit everyone’s preferences.”
Hunter could not be reached for comment, though someone named “Krystale” answered the phone when we called and said that he was “playing with heated rocks,” a reference to crack rocks that he was presumably smoking. Perhaps Hunter should have watched the PSA.