NOTE: This is Satire, Not the Statement of Fact. Treat It as Such
The best part of Trump’s 2016 primary was his constant bashing of Jeb! Bush, the guy beloved by RINO and Conservative, Inc. donors but who was so utterly unappetizing that even all his millions couldn’t make anyone with a single callous on their hands think about voting for him in the primary.
Trump, being hilarious, ruthless, and empowered by a censorship-free social media platform, along with an amazing ability to sneak one-liners into the debates that made Jeb! look like the fool he is, tore that guy to shreds. As a reminder, here was one of the best Trump-Jeb! moments:
Savage! And Trump must have watched it too, because as soon as he was allowed back on Twitter by Elon, he logged back on and flamed Jeb! for 24 hours straight, taking breaks only to cut into his KFC or McDonald’s orders with golden silverware. Here are some of the best:
“Jeb! has had a full year without hearing from me! Well, look who’s back, Jeborah!”
“Jeb! tried selling tiny guacamole bowls for $100 dollars and couldn’t even raise enough money to get anyone besides his troll of a wife to look in his direction. Well, now this Twitter troll is coming for you, Jeb!”
“Want a weak border and for your son to die abroad in some shithole country? Well there’s a Bush who hasn’t been president yet, thanks to me. That would be Jeb!”
“I’ve never met a tougher man than Jeb! Bush, as I said in the debate all those years ago. That was fun, wasn’t it? Just kidding, I’ve met Michelle Obama and he’s way tougher than Jeb!.”
The pundit class, of course, reacted with horror to the idea that Trump was attacking Jeb! rather than a Democrat or the left, with Jonah Goldbert getting a full two likes (huge for him not that he’s on some unwatched show at CNN) saying:
“See, I told you that Trump isn’t serious as a politician and fighter. This is why we need a principled conservative, someone with backbone and character. Someone like the greatest conservative out there, Senator Mitt Romney! Now there’s a fighter for real Republicans like me!”
Mitt could not be reached for comment, he was busy tearing down the border wall with Jeb!’s wife, who is from Mexico, as Trump pointed out in a debate.
“Frog Twitter,” that hilarious collection of anonymous accounts, however, took the opportunity to mock both Jeb! and Jonah. Empowered by Elon’s lack of censorship, their comments were too brutal to reprint here, though a comment refrain was that Jeb!’s wife was as safe from being flirted with by Mitt as she would be if she were with totally-not-gay Lindsey Graham. They then asked Jonah if any of the perverts at CNN had tried flirting with him yet and he didn’t respond, though the number of Star Trek references and pictures of his dogs in his later tweets indicated that he’d been crying.
It’s so great to see Trump back and the internet uncensored!