NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Biden visited the border last week and, while there, rambled incoherently about how really it was Trump that made the border open and insecure. Despite the lunacy of the claim, Biden stuck to it and kept ranting, rambling, and raving about how the bad orange man had opened the border. But then, drifting off track. Biden started ranting about climate change and how MAGA states would get no aid from his administration. Beginning, he said:
Hello, folks. Good afternoon. Before we start, I’d like to say a few words about the devastating wildfires that are scorching the Texas Panhandle and northwest Oklahoma. You know, yesterday, one of the biggest fire events in Texas history, with more than 1 million — more than 1 million acres of Texas land burned. From the start, I directed my team to do everything possible to help protect the people and the communities threatened by these fires.
In response to specific requests from the — made from the state, we already have more than 500 federal personnel here working on fire su- — suppression. That includes the deployment of 100 federal firefighters — and more are on the way — as well as dozens of dir- — of additional fire engines, air tankers, small planes, helicopters to help fight the flames. And FEMA has already guaranteed that Texas and Oklahoma will be reimbursed for the costs of keeping folks safe.
And we’re grateful for the brave first responders risking their lives to save others. And we urge — we urge folks to listen to the warnings from the local officials. Listen to them. I’ve flown over a lot of these wildfires since I’ve been President. As a matter of fact, I’ve — in a helicopter in the West to the Southwest, in the Northwest — flown over more landed burned to the ground — all the vegetation gone — than the entire state of Maryland in square footage.
The idea there’s no such thing as climate change — I love that, man. I love some of my neanderthal friends who still think there’s no climate change. Well, my administration is going to keep building on the progress we’ve made fighting climate crisis. And we’re going to keep — help folks rebuild themselves in the wake of these disasters.
Continuing, Biden then reversed course and, instead of keeping the somewhat unifying message from the first bit up, decided to attack MAGA Americans. He said, “But when I…when I promise to help folks rebuild, that only applies to those with American values. To those that believe in America and in American democracy, not to those ruffians that support hate.”
“Who do I mean? I mean the MAGA people. Extreme MAGA Republicans will get no aid from me. Not a cent, Jack! And lemme tell you why. Because this is real, it’s a real thing, Jack. Hate has no home in America, so when its home is burned down by the vengeful hand of God via a wildfire, well, frankly, Jack. that’s a good thing. And it’s something that we need to encourage to fight hate. Got it, Jack?!”