NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Fauci showed his true colors on Tuesday night when he appeared on CNN and, rather than talking about anything having to do with Covid or public health, instead badgered the network for only inviting him on twice this month.
The argument began when Brian Stelter, himself getting a bit tired of the whole Fauci shtick but needing to find a way to drag cat women in front of CNN programming to drive up his ratings, welcomed Fauci to the segment but then, when Fauci started trying to talk, cut him off and asked if there were any new threats on the horizon that Americans should worry about.
Stelter obviously wanted Fauci to bring up the avian flu situation so that the “supply shortage” story could be “fact-checked” as “mostly true but needed context” (and thus still deserving of a censorship slap on social media). But Fauci didn’t play along.
Rather, Stelter’s interruption of his hand-wringing about Russian soldiers not wearing masks while riding in their closely-packed APCs, set him off and he delivered a scorching statement directed toward CNN, lambasting it for not inviting him on anymore. He said:
“Well, Brian, I suppose people like you think that the real pandemic is inviting Dr. Anthony Fauci on television to talk to you about some very important subjects. And yes, this stuff is very important.
“But given how little you’ve brought me on recently–just twice this month–I’m thinking that you either don’t think Covid is the end of the world anymore or think that I’m the vector of the disease.
“I mean, just two invites for the most important man in the world! Utterly ridiculous, I’m ashamed of you, Brian.”
Stelter, shocked and unable to respond, simply started crying on set, leading CNN to cut to an “Applebee’s” commercial.
Coming back on, Fauci had been replaced by a docile-looking author who wrote a book titled “Healing Crystals and the Female Orgasm: A Study in Persian Mosaics.”
Stelter, before interviewing the researcher about that thrilling (not!) book, gave a brief statement on the matter, saying that CNN was “not a place that welcomes bullies” and that, though Dr. Fauci “secured the survival of the republic”, he would “not be invited back onto CNN until he apologized for his mean words.”
Fauci was unrepentant, writing an article for the Huffington Post in which he savaged CNN for not bringing him on-air often enough despite the danger still posed by Covid, saying it “wasn’t fair” for the Russkies to be hogging all of the intention because he “still has books and memorabilia to sell before he can buy a yacht.”
With both men expected to be fired soon for being objectively terrible at their jobs, the spat will likely be little more than a footnote, but it sure was fun to watch, particularly when Brian started sobbing uncontrollably before the Applebee’s commercial break!