NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Windbreakers are out at the FBI and Hugo Boss redesigns of the Stasi uniforms from 1950-60 East Germany are in, according to FBI Director Christopher Wray.
He, in a very short press conference in which he did not take or respond to comments about the recent FBI raid on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence, said:
“We at the FBI, following the recent raid and other actions we’ve taken at the behest of the Biden Administration and Liz Cheney types in the legislature, have decided that we need a massive uniform redesign. Gone are the windbreakers and suits of old, in are paramilitary-style uniforms that we’ve dusted off old Hugo Boss designs from the Third Reich to create.
“But don’t worry: we’re not Nazis! Far from it. We’re looking to what the Soviets did to redesign the uniforms for Stasi agents after the war was over in deciding what they should look like. So we want everyone to know that that’s what we’re up to, that we’ll be looking very dashing very soon, and that no one but bitter reactionaries could dare oppose our change in style.
“Further, as the Stasi was quite effective, we believe that our use of the new uniforms will help us bring back the quality of the old FBI and act even more effectively in the future.”
Wray then walked off, wearing jackboots and leaving shocked reporters in his wake. Even a “Mother Jones” reporter who was present at the event for some reason could be heard exclaiming “What the f***?”
But it didn’t end there. The FBI then announced in a written statement sent to the major news outlets that, “because of the costs in both time and money imposed by the uniform redesign and getting it ‘just right’,” the FBI would have to find ways to cut costs in “person-hours” (by which it presumably meant manhours), which it intended on doing by halting the ongoing investigation into Hunter Biden.
It did, however, pledge to “never end” the investigation into former President Donald Trump, which it declared as “more important than any other in the republic” right now.
Trump posted a screenshot of the statement with an eye-roll emoji, a post that he followed up with a screenshot of one of his Save America statements in which he blasted the FBI for its “banana republic-like tactics” and said that the new uniforms would “certainly be a good fit from an optics perspective” though he worried that the tight trousers and shirts that were part of the Hugo Boss SS uniforms would be “too tight for the fatties” over at the FBI.
Twitter announced that if anyone posted that statement of Trump’s they would be booted from the platform for harassing “trans-skinny” FBI agents.