NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
The FBI should be investigating the Supreme Court to find out who leaked the Alito opinion (cough, Sotomayor the “wise Latina”, cough).
Unfortunately for all those interested in justice, however, the FBI has announced that it’s just too busy hunting down Jussie Smollett’s racist attacker to figure out who crossed the Rubicon and leaked from the nation’s highest court, something that’s almost never happened before.
Speaking on that, FBI Director Christopher Wray gave a press conference and said:
“We understand that people are angry, we understand that the justices are upset, and we know that this is a challenging time for all involved. Further, we do understand that it was a federal crime for the leak to happen, assuming it was a leak and SCOTUS hasn’t been hacked.
“But, at the same time, one little leak isn’t the top priority we have. It’s bad, sure, and against the law, yes, but not really our problem. We have bigger things on our plate, issues of racism.
“For without us, who would track down Jussie Smollett’s vicious attackers and bring justice to that horrific case of race-based violence? Without us, who would finally find out who hung that noose in Bubba Wallace’s garage? Without us, who would look into all the incidents of nooses and swastikas popping up around campuses at about the same time the left needs a racist incident to make the right look bad?
“Sure, many, perhaps most, of those incidents are fake, but we need to look into them nonetheless! Figuring out what’s really going on in those horrific cases of racial grievance and racial violence is our priority, not muddling about with one little SCOTUS breach.”
Kamala then started cackling nervously in the audience while applauding Wray’s decision just a bit too loudly, which made everyone in the audience quite uncomfortable. They were doing the far more PC “jazz hands,” with a few especially brave ones throwing a few snaps in the mix.
John Roberts surprised everyone with his backbone on the issue, saying as he did that the FBI’s refusal to look into the issue was “disturbing” but that Clarence Thomas and Alito had offered to pay for a private investigator to look into the issues, something that the right cheered but that Sotomayor hit the brakes on by saying it was “racist.” Roberts had a hard time powering through that allegation (though Thomas is obviously black), so the PI plan has been stalled, for now.
Later, Biden gave a press conference on the matter of the FBI and the leak. He, speaking very briefly on the matter, said:
“Here’s the deal, Jack: Cornpop was a bad dude. The FBI’s gotta track him down, they gotta find the bad guy with the bleach in a Chicago blizzard. That was some weird stuff.
“The Supreme Court with that big guy I was mean to? No way, Jack. You know?”
A White House translator insisted that Biden meant that he was sure the FBI was doing the best it could to deal with all crimes on its plate given the circumstances.