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FBI Cancels Investigation, Returns Biden Docs after He Reminds Them He’s a Democrat

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Many have been somewhat surprised that the FBI has, even if it as been a bit lackluster so far, actually gone after the Biden Family recently and looked into the documents. Though no Humvee and body armor raid like they did to Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home, they have at least started to pick up some of Biden’s boxes of classified documents and begun to look into what he was up to.

    In fact, Attorney General Merrick Garland even announced the appointment of a Special Counsel to look into the situation, with Garland saying, shortly after the news started to break that Biden documents were being found:

    “Based on Mr. Lausch’s initial investigation, I concluded that, under the Special Counsel regulations, it was in the public interest to appoint a Special Counsel. In the days since, while Mr. Lausch continued the investigation, the Department identified Mr. Hur for appointment as Special Counsel.

    “This appointment underscores for the public the Department’s commitment to both independence and accountability in particularly sensitive matters, and to making decisions indisputably guided only by the facts and the law.

    I am confident that Mr. Hur will carry out his responsibility in an even-handed and urgent manner, and in accordance with the highest traditions of this Department.”

    So the FBI is looking into the issue. Even if it’s somewhat lackadaisical in its approach, it’s looking into the issue…which is more than most expected.

    Or, at least, that’s what the FBI was doing. Then Brandon stopped the investigation dead in its tracks. How? Not by ordering Garland to stop it, ordering him to fire the Special Counsel, or sounding off on the news with fire and fury about what was going on. No, Biden could, as a Democrat do the much simpler thing.

    Instead of having to do anything crazy, anything like what Trump would have had to do to get the FBI off his back, Biden just reminded them that he is a Democrat. Driving over the Quantico to talk to the FBI agents investigating his case, Biden said “what the heck, Jack?! This is a bunch of malarkey, got it? I’m a Democrat, what the heck are you investigating me for? These things are supposed to be used against Republicans, not against us!”

    That snapped the FBI agents out of it and they all profusely apologized, saying “We’re so sorry about that, Mr. President. We forgot for a minute and thought we were supposed to apply the law equally rather than in a way that helps our team out in situations like these. Sorry about that, won’t happen again, sir.”

    Biden was satisfied with that and left with Hunter, who was less successful in getting them off his back.

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