NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
The FBI, when it was founded, settled on the motto “Fidelity, Bravery, Integrity”. Perhaps that was at one point true: the FBI did used to do lots of good work tracking down and arresting communists, anarchists, and other enemies of civilized society.
But that was then. In the “now”, the FBI is neither loyal, brave, or honest, so the motto doesn’t really fit. Instead it’s full of backstabbing cowards loyal only to making a quick buck off appearing as defenders of “our democracy.” Generally, that means they just go ahead and do whatever will most hurt Republicans.
Former President Trump, highlighting what the FBI was up to in a series of Truth Social posts that didn’t pull any punches, said:
“The FBI has just confirmed that it has paid MILLIONS OF DOLLARS to Twitter, and also that large amounts of money has been paid by them to other Social Media Companies, which has all, when put together, shown massive campaign fraud in the 2020 Election. The FBI said they were working with private companies, but what they didn’t say was that it was for the purpose of changing the Election results, pushing Biden over “Trump.” Wow!”
“The FBI used Twitter and Facebook to bludgeon the 2020 Election to Biden. Nothing Negative could be said about him, especially as it related to Hunter’s Laptop From Hell, and ONLY Negative could be said about me. They were illegally after “Trump” at a level of ferocity, hate and yes, desperation, that has never been seen in our Country before. Other Media companies were involved also. The change in the Election was Complete & Total, with Millions of votes switched, at least 17%. TRUMP WON, BIG!”
Do those activities make you think of “Fidelity, Bravery, Integrity”? Nope? Well the FBI, somewhat surprisingly, agreed. Not wanting to get kicked Elon’s Twitter for spreading misinformation with their motto and statement of purpose, the FBI changed their motto and Twitter bio to “Whatever it Takes to Help Democrats”.
FBI Director Christopher Wray, commenting on the change in a candid conference with the press, said “Look, I get that people, particularly on the right, might dislike our new motto or think it shows us to be overly biased or whatever. I get that, I really do. But, frankly, it’s important to be honest. And what we at the FBI have realized recently is that what matters isn’t being unbiased, fair and balanced, or otherwise in the middle. Rather, what matters is our democracy and defending it. And right now, the Democrats are defending our democracy and the GOP is attacking our democracy, so we in the FBI will stand firmly on the side of the Democrats and our democracy, doing whatever it takes to help both of those.”
Trump, posting about the motto change, said “At least they’re being honest now! When I win I’m going full Stalin-mode on those losers!“