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FBI Shocked to Discover that Democrats Commit Crimes Too

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such.

    “It just doesn’t make sense,” Special Agent Raymond muttered as he glanced over crime statistics published by the FBI in the end of the Bush Era, a full decade and a half before his assignment began “how did Republicans commit so many crimes in dark blue areas like inner-city Chicago? Did they have stronger urban outreach efforts in the past? Were there insurrections happening around the country, with buffalo horn-clothed gangsters taking over cities and states? This data is so confusing.”

    Unable to comprehend what was going on in those dark days in a way that jived with the FBI’s current focus on rednecks and GOP political operatives, Special Agent Raymond headed down to the office of the “old-timer,” the forty-five-year-old Special Agent Smith. Smith made Raymond uncomfortable; rather than using the now ubiquitous in federal service “they/them” as pronouns, the retrograde officer still used “he/him” in his email signature. It was weird, but Smith had been there since ’06 and was widely regarded as the last of the strangely “apolitical” FBI agents.

    So, Raymond wandered down the hall to Smith’s office, knocking on the door and asking to come in. “What do you want,” Smith barked. He was never overly nice and effusive in his praise of whatever agent was nearby, as the agency’s new agents generally were. “Raymond, sir,” Raymond squeaked, barely able to contain his nervousness. “What do you want?” Smith barked back, obviously angry that Raymond hadn’t answered the first time.

    “I…well, I found a file from the old days that makes no sense. I was hoping you could explain it.”

    Before Raymond could say another word, Smith had jumped up from his desk, open the closed door, and yanked Raymond into the office while closing the door again near-simultaneously.

    “What file?” he asked in a hushed, nervous tone.

    “The one about crime stats and what crimes we used to investigate…child porn, drug trafficking, gang activity. It makes no sense, these crimes were happening in cities, not the countryside or country clubs. Did the Republicans live in different places back in 2006? Did they used to spend more time with minor-attracted persons and traditionally undervalued citizens? These locations, much less that these things were called crimes, make no sense. We haven’t investigated anything like these things or anything in these areas in years.”

    Smith sighed, pulled out a forbidden cigarette, and lit it, much to Raymond’s horror. “Son, it’s time you learned something…something the FBI has refused to contemplate since St. Obama was elected in 2008 and had His Holiness Eric Holder take us over, a takeover that even the “bad orange man,” as people like you call him, couldn’t fix.”

    Scared almost to the point of needing to cry in an agency-provided safe space/crying room, Smith asked, in a barely audible voice, “wwwwwhat’s ‘something?’ What do I need to know?”

    “Son, it’s not easy to say this,” Smith responded, taking a deep drag from his cowboy killer before saying “Democrats commit crimes too.”

    Raymond’s screams of horror and surprise were so loud they startled half the building into rushing to a safe space to cry and left both him and Smith deafened for life.

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