NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Things at the White House took a cheery, cheery turn when, following Democratic Senate candidate John Fetterman’s utterly horrible performance during the debate with Dr. Oz, who somehow managed to look like a good choice when compared to the stuttering ogre he is running against, President Biden found a new friend.
Calling up Fetterman right after the debate, Biden said:
“Don’t, uhhh, well, you know, like uhhh, just don’t uhhhhh, ermmm, well, you know, the thing! That’s it, worry! Don’t you need to worry bit, a bit, uhhh, don’t you worry a bit, Jack! Speaking is hard! That’s what I meant.
“And, uhhh, anyone who says otherwise is just spreading a bunch of malarkey! That’s all it is, malarkey!”
Fetterman responded by saying “Yes, good night.”
Fortunately for the happiness of both men and the sanity of their staffs, who were able to find time to clean up their messes while they stayed on the phone, Biden wasn’t able to comprehend Fettermans’ mumbled nonsense, so he didn’t take it as a call from Fetterman on him to end the call. And so the two just kept chatting for hours.
Well, chatting would be incorrect. There conversation was impossible to follow by those tasked with listening in, as most of what they said was gibberish and what words they mumbled that could be found in a dictionary were so out of order that no meaning could possibly be derived by a single 20 word string throughout the remainder of the conversation.
Biden mostly rambled about malarkey, a thug named Cornpop (though whether he thinks Cornpop is still alive and in need of being hunted by SOCOM or long gone was impossible to tell based on either listening in or the transcript), and his favorite ice cream flavor (most of what he said was simply “sweet” and “cold,” so nothing valuable could be discerned from this part either.
Fetterman, for his part, mostly just grunted. Perhaps he was speaking in ogre, his native tongue, or maybe that large growth on his neck was trying to speak. Trump suggested it was the latter on Truth Social, saying:
“Supposedly that FREAK Fetterman and Slow Joe Biden the moron had a nice time chatting. SAD! America needs to be saved from all these many troubles facing it, not left to rot while two brain-dead morons act like middle school girls on the phone! With me in office, none of this would be happening!”
Fetterman later responded to Trump’s insults by bellowing and then running around the parking lot of the press conference area with his shirt off while clawing at the growth on his neck and screaming.