NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Biden’s 2020 campaign, for whatever reason, decided that it would be a good idea to let him speak again. That went less than well, as Biden went off track predictably quickly and started rambling about corruption and nonsense, much to the obvious discomfort of his guests. Kicking things off for the California campaign speech, Biden said:
Look, folks, you know, I wouldn’t wait this long for anybody except possibly — can you — what’s — what’s her name? Jane Fonda. I wouldn’t do this for anybody else, Jane — wait this long. But thank you. Thank you all very, very much. Look, folks, I’m going to try to — I’m going to shorten what I was going to say in the interest of your sanity and a little bit of time.
I’d like to talk about the future and what it means to finish the job. Folks, “finish the job” means beating Big Pharma again to keep lowering drug prices across the entire country. We made insulin drop from about $40 — $400 a month to about $35 — not — you can’t charge more than $35 for seniors on Medicare. We wanted to make it for everyone, but Republicans blocked it.
“Finishing the job” means $35 insulin for everyone with diabetes, lowering drug prices for dozens of other prescriptions, and, by the way, saving — saving the federal government — reducing the debt over 10 years by $260 billion. It reduces the debt. (Applause.) It means that the — Medicare is not paying those prices.
That’s when things went wrong. He said, “Finishing the job means getting the Chinese to pay Hunter! Look, people say a lot of things about my dear, dear boy. My son. Especially those MAGA radicals on the right! They’re crazy! And they keep attacking my son! My little boy! Well that’s a bunch of hogwash, folks, and Joe from Scranton won’t stand for it!”
“Let me tell you the truth about my son. I will! He’s a good boy. A good one. And what he was doing, was he was building on relationships in China, with the Chinese fellas, to help us out. To work with them on big things. Like, uhhh, the, uhhh, cobalt mine in Congo, or whatever. The, uhhh, American company had to sell that, and the, uhh, Hunter and his friends worked with the Chinese companies to do it. It was a great deal!”
“And then, ummm, well they kept working together. Lots of good stuff. They did lots of good stuff, I mean. But they didn’t pay him! They stiffed my boy! And that means the 10 percent for the Big Guy got stiffed too, if you know what I mean. Ha. But, anyway, they didn’t pay him! So we gotta focus on that and focus on getting those Chinse fellows to pay their debts to Hunter. That’s what Finishing the Job means and that’s what I’m fighting for in this election!”