NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
It was recently announced that Dr. Fauci, Covid bureaucrat and tyrant extraordinaire, had gotten diagnosed with Covid despite his many vaccinations and constant theatrical masking, getting a mild case of the virus he did so much to freak out about in the heady days of 2020 and 2021.
The NIH announced that he got Covid despite his two original jab doses and later two boosters, saying, on its website:
Today, Anthony S. Fauci, M.D., director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID), part of the National Institutes of Health, and Chief Medical Advisor to President Biden, tested positive for COVID-19 on a rapid antigen test. He is fully vaccinated and has been boosted twice. He is currently experiencing mild symptoms. Dr. Fauci will isolate and continue to work from his home. He has not recently been in close contact with President Biden or other senior government officials. Dr. Fauci will follow the COVID-19 guidelines of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and medical advice from his physician and return to the NIH when he tests negative.
Well, upon hearing the news about their beloved bureaucrat catching the Shanghai shivers, our friends on the left went berserk, having to flee back indoors, away from the evil, invisible virus to once again sit silently while masked indoors and take fleeting glimpses out of the window of their apartment complexes to see when delivery workers were bringing them food (which mysteriously doesn’t transmit the cough) and to see who they can report for not wearing masks.
Angela Davis, an unmarried, 37-year-old Oberlin graduate who works for Vox as an online HR manager, gave a statement about how she responded to the news, saying:
“I was so scared, like so, so, so scared, when I saw that my favorite person ever, Dr. Tony Fauci, had gotten Covid. I’ve sent him like a million love letters and really want him to respond to one, if only in the form of a restraining order, before he dies, so him getting Covid is, like, terrible.
“Anyway, as soon as I saw Covid was back, I sprinted back into my apartment–I had been sipping a latte at Starbucks while listening to NPR on my phone–and hid in my bed while putting a mask back on.
“To be completely honest, it felt pretty good being back under the comforting blanket of safety provided by a mask again, and I’m really concerned that no one else in my apartment building is wearing one. I mean, they must have heard the news about our lord and savior (Dr. Fauci), right?”
She then had to log off because her 17 cats were hungry, but before leaving she assured us that all her “gal pals” from Oberlin felt the same way about Fauci and the cough.