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Furious Over Lifting of Mask Mandate, Fauci Threatens America with “Double Secret Probation” Lockdown [SATIRE]

    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such.

    Dr. Fauci, the gravel-voiced tyrant that has become so famous in the wake of the devastation wrought by his response to the CCP virus, is reportedly fuming over a Florida judge lifting the airline mask mandate. A source within his office, speaking anonymously in an attempt to stab Fauci in the back said:

    “I know I’ll be judged for talking, but I need to. Not out of any sense of the national good, nah, F*** THAT! That’s not what we’re about. Nah, this place is like Italy in the 15th century and I’ve gotta secure my spot, so I’ll tell ya what that rat face is up to: he’s planning on putting America on ‘double-secret probation’ lockdown.”

    We asked the scheming, vulgar bureaucrat what that meant, to which he responded by saying:

    “How the **** would I ****ing know? What do you think I am, some sort of spy camera? No. I have no ****ing clue. Didn’t you hear me? It’s DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION, not ‘tell each and every person who walks by exactly what it is probation.'”

    It was a fair response, if vulgarly phrased. So, acting on his anonymous leak, we contacted WikiLeaks and asked if they had any clue what a double-secret probation lockdown would be.

    Here’s what they said:

    That would be bad. Very bad. As of now, we cannot release what exactly it is without giving up one of our sources. But from what we’ve seen, it won’t be good. Stock up on all essentials, particularly food. This time, they might not even open the liquor stores. We’re recommending spouses demand all parents in law stay at home and refrain from visiting until this crisis period is over; no one needs that.

    Horrifying. Fauci, ranting and raving in his office when watching videos of cheering crowds on planes and in airports take off their hated masks, was recorded saying:

    Oh, they think they’re happy, do they? They think they’ll cheer people ignoring my diktats? Who do they think I am, some pansy! They’ll regret this when my time returns; I’ll teach them to love the masks!

    He then did his best imitation of a super-villain laugh, but given his old age and gravely voice it wasn’t all that threatening and was rather more sad than scary.

    Asked by worried reporters what would be happening next and if he’d let Fauci implement “double secret probation” lockdown, Biden said:

    Isn’t that from that movie, Jack? The one with the float and drinking and stuff? Good times, man. Reminds me of Hunter. But yeah, that’s what they told me so here I am and you know what that means. Am I right? Now who wants some sunshine? That’s what I thought, Jack!

    As usual, mostly gibberish, but the “that’s what they told me” line might shed some light on who’s really in control at 1600 Penn; it ain’t the guy with the melted brain, even if he did get theĀ Animal HouseĀ reference.

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