NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Ghislaine Maxwell was recently sentenced to twenty years in prison for the activities she committed alongside Jeffrey Epstein, though many dissidents on Twitter and Facebook noted that she might be the first person in history convicted of trafficking children to…nobody, as no one she trafficked the children to has been locked up in connection with Ghislaine’s arrest, conviction, and sentencing.
And it appears that those connected with Epstein want to keep things that way, particularly the Clinton Kill Squ…err, highly respected founders of the Clinton Foundation and their “associates”, all of whom took many a weekend retreat to Epstein Island on the Lolita Express.
Their desire to keep Ghislaine quiet came out on Wednesday, when Ghislaine’s lawyers raised the alarm that her new cellmate was “Hillaro Clintoni”, a woman who was sitting on her bed with a garrotte when Ghislaine arrived and looked suspiciously like Hillary Clinton.
Speaking on that during a press conference they gave shortly after Ghislaine’s transfer to the new facility and lockup within it, they said:
“We understand that many of you, indeed probably all of you, detest Ghislaine and her former boyfriend, Jeffrey Epstein. But that doesn’t mean that she should be sent to a prison where she’s sure to be murdered. She should serve her time in peace, as is what’s supposed to happen under the law.
“As of now, it appears that that will be impossible. Her roommate, someone who Ghislaine claims was playing with a garrotte when she arrived and looks suspiciously like Hillary Clinton, and, we should add, is named ‘Hillaro Clintoni’, is sure to kill her.
“Why else the garrotte? What else could be the intent? Further, the prison Ghislaine has been moved to is a private one that is owned and operated by a company that makes multi-million dollar donations to the Clinton Foundation.
“So we will say this very clearly and say it now: Ghislaine plans on serving out her sentence in peace. She has no plans to kill herself and if she is found dead tomorrow morning, then foul play should be suspected.”
The lawyers added that they had used some of Ghislaine’s remaining funds to pay for the security cameras throughout the prison to be fixed up and for one to be installed within her cell.
Unfortunately, however, Ghislaine was found dead the next morning, garroted and lying on the floor. Her death was ruled a suicide and the prison’s operator, “Clinton Heartland Investments”, claimed that the recently fixed security cameras were not working. They also claimed that “Hillaro Clintoni” escaped, but is not thought to be a threat to the public.
Hillary appeared the next day for the first time in weeks, covered in bruises that she claimed were the result of some “frisky activity with Bill.” Bill would not confirm that claim.