NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki demurred from doing her usual refuse to answer while pretending she’ll circle back routine during the May 3rd press briefing and instead jumped right to the point, explaining what she thinks that liberals upset by the Alito opinion on abortion to do.
She was forced to speak on that after FNC White House correspondent Peter Doocy asked “So, what level of a meltdown can we on the right expect from the left, Jen? Are we talking the usual weeping and gnashing of teeth thing, an escalation of that that includes the rending of garments, or are things gonna get out of control where governors need to use the proverbial “whiff of grapeshot” to deal with mostly peaceful protests? My friend owns a small business and would like to know if he needs to stock up on business defense tools now.”
Responding, Jen went on a tear against the decision and gave an interesting suggestion about what leftists upset by the issue should do, saying:
“Well, obviously, we abhor violence, so I’d write that down. If there are protests, they should be totally peaceful, not mostly peaceful, but I reject and resent the notion that the brave protesters that came out in favor of BLM weren’t peaceful.
“Regardless, Peter, I’d say this is a hard time for everyone and that while you might want to make fun of it, many people are struggling right now. Birthing people will face a major challenge in the coming days if they don’t intend to bring that birthed…ummm…birthed body…um, yeah, birthed fetus, completely to term. That’s scary, and a real problem.
“So, I’d say that all those worried about the decision should take my original advice from a few weeks ago and just have a marg to relax.”
Doocy, firing back, said “So you’re suggesting that pregnant women should drink tequila?”
Psaki, unsure how to respond, decided to go with the far-left response to appease that crowd and said:
“Well, Peter, it’s not just women that can get pregnant anymore. Men can get pregnant too and it’s important that we recognize that.”
Peter Doocy, unwilling to let the question go, fired off a final question, saying “Ok, fine. Are you saying that pregnant men and pregnant women should drink tequila despite their pregnancies? Because that is what you said. Is this administration pro-fetal alcohol syndrome?”
Psaki froze for a moment, upset that her attempt to escape the question hadn’t worked as well as she wanted. She then decided to pull a Biden and, rather than answer the question, awkwardly and angrily storm off of the stage. Shortly after leaving, she could be heard screaming at a staffer to make her a margarita.
When asked what sort of tequila Jen prefers in her afternoon cocktails, the White House responded by saying that Jen would like to keep her favorite brand secret to avoid politicising it, a surprisingly good decision from Psaki.