NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Biden decided to give a speech on what would have been the budget crisis if Speaker McCarthy had a spine. In the speech, Biden’s honest admissions showed that McCarthy’s pledges the bill was pro-fiscal responsibility were a lie and that the money printers, and thus inflation, would not even be slowed down, much less stopped by the new budget agreement.
Beginning his speech, Biden tried to make the bill look great to everyone and like it would lead to many more jobs for American workers, saying:
Look, the only way American democracy can function is through compromise and consensus, and that’s what I worked to do as your President — you know, to forge a bipartisan agreement where it’s possible and where it’s needed.
I’ve signed more than 350 bipartisan laws thus far in almost two and a half years, including a historic law that — rebuilding America so that we can rank number one in the world in infrastructure instead of where we’re ranked now, number thirteen in the world.
Another historic law, rebuilding our manufacturing base so that we’ll lead the world once again in making semiconductor chips so much more — and so many more and so many sophisticated ones.
And now, a bipartisan budget agreement. This is vital because — it’s because it’s essential to the progress we’ve made over the last few years — is keeping full, faith, and credit of the United States of America and passing a budget that continues to grow our economy and reflects our values as a nation.
That’s why I’m speaking to you tonight: to report on the crisis averted and what we’re doing to protect America’s future.
Continuing, he got into what’s really going to happen with the bill. “And what is it that we need to protect? What do we stand for as Americans? What are our values and how are we protecting the future?” Biden rhetorically asked. “Well let me tell you,” he said.
“What matters is having money to buy stuff. America’s a consumer country now, not a nation or anything like that…those ideas of countries and nationhood are racist, Jack! And that’s the truth. No, what we have here is a big group of people that like to buy things. TVs, fast food, cars. All that jazz. But to get to be able to buy so much, we need cheap money. Can’t finance a car at 3% if debt is worth 10%! Just wouldn’t make sense. So to save the American value of cheap goods, we’re gonna get the money printers going again to flood the world with cheap American debt and help you finance that fridge or watch you want. And that’s a promise, Jack!”
McCarthy called Biden’s comments a “distortion,” but refrained from answering any more questions about what would actually happen under the new spending bill.