NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Watching the recently leaked video out of Uvalde, which showed a gang of fully armed and armored police officers sitting/standing quietly in the hall as children were murdered by a gunman those cops they did nothing to stop, with one even taking the time to get some hand sanitizer from a machine in a particularly rage-inducing display of insouciance about the ongoing slaughter, gun store owners figured out an ingenious way to stop cops and ATF agents from raiding their stores if Biden’s gun control agenda is pushed through: putting hand sanitizer stations outside the stores.
Speaking on that strategy, one online dissident and gun store owners, Robert Walkins of North Carolina, said:
“Well, we figured that we needed a strategy that would stop the ATF from raiding and tyrannizing us but also not make us look like psychos just waiting for civil war.
“So, we took a look at that video…and let me tell you, it was disturbing to watch. We were all sick to our stomachs. What type of man can just sit around and rub hand sanitizer on his hands as children are slaughtered by the dozen? Sickening.
“Anyway, anyway, I figured that we needed to do something smart, but not too escalatory or whatever. So, parsing the video, we settled on hand sanitizer stations. We figured that the cowardly cops, if they do ever show up to seize our guns…and remember that our right to own these is God-given…well, if they show up to take em, they can have fun playing with the hand-sanitizer while we either ready the defenses or bug out.”
Sure enough, the ATF was soon sent by California Governor Gavin Newsom, who had just gotten some new gun control laws that he wanted to be enforced ASAP.
Happy to comply, the ATF agents loaded up in their armored vehicles and drove to the first target on the list, a small pawn shop with just two employees and a manager working in it.
Normally, they would have been done for, with the ATF overpowering them instantly. But they were in Robert’s Discord server, and so had prepared for such an attack by installing the hand-sanitizer stations. The local cops that swarmed to help the ATF all clustered around it, playing on their phones and dousing their hands in the hand sanitizer, preventing the ATF from storming the building as they sat around the sanitizer station joking.
Thus, the pawn shop employees were able to get away, slinking out the back as the ATF screamed at the local police to shape up or get out of the way, which they slowly did while walking to a Dunkin Donuts across the street.