NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Biden recently gave a speech on the new GOP speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, saying that he congratulates Johnson on his speakership win but still thinks Johnson is mean because the impeachment effort against him is still on.
Biden began by rambling about areas for “bipartisanship,” which the GOP base is strongly against because it often just means the Democrats and Establishment getting whatever they want and us getting nothing, saying:
Jill and I congratulate Speaker Johnson on his election. As I said when this process began, whoever the Speaker is, I will seek to work with them in good faith on behalf of the American people. That’s a principle I have always held to, and that I’ve acted on – delivering major bipartisan legislation on infrastructure, outcompeting China, gun reform, and veterans care.
I restated my willingness to continue working across the aisle after Republicans won the majority in the House last year. By the same token, the American people have made clear that they expect House Republicans to work with me and with Senate Democrats to govern across the aisle – to protect our urgent national security interests and grow our economy for the middle class.
While House Republicans spent the last 22 days determining who would lead their conference, I have worked on those pressing issues, proposing a historic supplemental funding package that advances our bipartisan national security interests in Israel and Ukraine, secures our border, and invests in the American people. These priorities have been endorsed by leaders in both parties. We need to move swiftly to address our national security needs and to avoid a shutdown in 22 days. Even though we have real disagreements about important issues, there should be mutual effort to find common ground wherever we can. This is a time for all of us to act responsibly, and to put the good of the American people and the everyday priorities of American families above any partisanship.
Then he got to attacking Johnson, saying, “And, uhhh…and…uhhh, and look, folks. We still disagree on a lot. This fellow ain’t all that. He’s less bad than the bad orange man, but only just. And that’s a fact. I tell ya what, this is bad: he’s still impeaching me! He’s real mean, he said I’m still impeached! That ain’t cool, Jack. Got it?”
“So, uhhhh, so look. We umm…well, folks, that was a joke. Please laugh.” No one laughed, staring at him, dumbfounded by his awkwardness. So he kept rambling. “Ummm…well, I mean it’s not really a joke. They are still impeaching me, those dog-faced pony soldiers. But we’ll beat it. Hunter’s getting off without a scratch, that’s for sure. So I’m not worried. Just thinking about bipartisanship. Got it?”
Biden was then led of the stage by his handlers before he could say anything else incriminating or likely to lead to even more painful political problems for him.