NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Hillary Clinton was recently caught in an “insurrection” of her own, as she was spotted prowling around the Supreme Court near Justice Clarence Thomas’ judicial chambers late at night, wearing a fake mustache and carrying a suspicious backpack.
Caught on video by a bored security guard, Clinton tried using a bobby pin to pick the lock on Thomas’ door, but was unable to do so and instead got it stuck. Unwilling to leave it, mostly likely because her fingerprints and hair were on it, she kept pulling on it in a desperate attempt to get the bobby pin out of the lock.
The guard was snickering nearby, watching her struggle. When she finally got it loose, he walked up and put her under arrest, calling the Capitol Police.
Hillary then started yelling so loudly that the fake mustache she was wearing fell off, and when the guard joked about it saying “wait, you’re not a man?!”, Hillary started yelling even louder, accusing him of being “transphobic.”
Capitol Police then arrived and escorted Hillary away and she can be heard on the video both offering to help them with their “investments” if they “made [her potentially murderous break-in attempt] go away,” with the guards not responding as they hustled her away from the prying eyes of nearby cameras to discuss details. She was never charged.
She could also be heard muttering, before the video ended, that next time she would “have to have the team do it, since they did such a good job with Jeff.”
The “Jeff” in that statement is assumed to be Jeffrey Epstein, though that’s unclear at this time.
Following news of Hillary’s escapade and the leaking of the video taken by the security guard, Clarence Thomas and the other conservative members of the court all made it known in a joint statement that they were “not suicidal” and that if they were found dead then “foul play should be assumed”. Justice Thomas later reported seeing people massing around his home, though a fortuitously timed police appearance scared them away. All the justices have since been moved to a more secure location.
Hillary, for her part, joked that she was just trying to “play a prank” on a “law school classmate” and that she “did not have five pounds of plastic explosives and two claymore mines in her backpack,” but rather “just a few fun gag items, like a whoopie cushion and fake snake.”
Thomas tweeted out that he’d never heard a “landmine called a whoopie cushion” before, which sent the left into an anger-filled overdrive, with Thomas refusing to reply as various anonymous accounts battled it out in the comments section of his post. Hillary has since “taken a vacation” to Ecuador, which does not have an extradition treaty with the United States. Bill did not join her.