NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Hamas and Israel recently struck a deal to release some hostages and Team Biden immediately claimed it as a success of their foreign policy, despite no real evidence that they did anything other than a showy and expensive trip to the region that was mainly notable for how old and out of it Biden looked.
In any case, both Joe and Kamala spoke about the matter, with Joe keeping it short and sweet at the behest of his handlers while Kamala did her usual thing and rambled on with an incoherent word salad. Beginning the Biden Administration’s remarks, Joe said:
Jill and I have been keeping all those held hostage and their loved ones close to our hearts these many weeks, and I am extraordinarily gratified that some of these brave souls, who have endured weeks of captivity and an unspeakable ordeal, will be reunited with their families once this deal is fully implemented. As President, I have no higher priority than ensuring the safety of Americans held hostage around the world. That’s why—from the earliest moments of Hamas’s brutal assault—my national security team and I have worked closely with regional partners to do everything possible to secure the release of our fellow citizens. We saw the first results of that effort in late October, when two Americans were reunited with their loved ones. Today’s deal should bring home additional American hostages, and I will not stop until they are all released. Today’s deal is a testament to the tireless diplomacy and determination of many dedicated individuals across the United States Government to bring Americans home.
Then Kamala came on stage and gave her awful, incoherent word salad. It started off more or less ok, with her saying little to nothing of substance but not using made up words or phrases, or just repeating the same thing over and over again. She said, beginning her statement:
Today, thanks to the leadership of President Biden and other leaders, an agreement has been reached that will lead to the release of dozens of hostages who were taken in brutal acts of terrorism by Hamas on October 7. Doug and I pray for the well-being of all the hostages and are grateful some will soon be reunited with their loved ones. I welcome the commitment that Israel has made to support an extended pause to ensure this deal can be fully carried out and to ensure additional humanitarian assistance reaches civilians in Gaza. The flow of aid must substantially increase and civilians must be protected. We also call on Hamas to release all the remaining hostages. President Biden and I have no higher priority than the safety of Americans, and we welcome that today’s agreement means some Americans should be coming home. As I have told families of Americans held hostage: as they advocate for the release of their loved ones, they are not alone. We will not waver in our commitment to these Americans.
Then came the word salad. She said, “And we will not waver because wavering is bad. We do not support wavering, which is bad, with the hostages. And let me tell you this: hostage taking is bad because it is bad to have hostages. Freedom is good and being a hostage means you are not free, which is bad. So we do not waver in support of freedom, which means we do not waver in being against hostage taking, which is bad.”
President Biden then yawned, said, “she’s a dolt, Jack” and wandered off the stage while mumbling about needing ot find some oatmeal and turkey for the “turkey day festivities,” while Kamala stopped rambling and glared daggers at him from across the stage.