NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
In yet another embarrassing slip-up and distraction for the Biden Administration, Hunter Biden made major waves by logging into his Google account while high on crack and posting a five star review for a crack house in Arkansas.
In the review, Hunter, who was almost certainly high at the time, rambled a good bit but made sure to mention about 7 different illegal activities he had been involved in while at the crack house and misspelled almost every other word, saying, in part:
“this place is f**kin awesom, man! Like, I totly love just crashing on Raymond’s f***in couch and lighting up a big bowl of crack. All I gots to do to get it is tlak to this Chinese guy about like Wite House secrty and stuff, ya know? Then like he gives me all the crack I cold want! WE’r talking grams on grams on gram. Feeling like fify cent in here, man!
“And don’t evn get me started on the hookers! Like they bring in like tewnty wemen, a bunch of girls that totally aren’t 18, and even boys if you like that (I DONT”).
“Then they just like take pictures while I smoke up and have a good time with the gals, espcilaly the younger ones! So fun, but I don’t get any money from the videyos, which suxs.
“But otherwise awwesome, they evn brought me like a pound of blow two days asgo, which isn’t cheep anymore! these aren’t the 80s, but I’m feeling like, you know, Pablo Escobar or something, is very fun! Five thosand stas for sure!”
So Hunter had a good time at the crack house, which Google Maps shows, on street view, to be a dilapidated white shack with three partially disassembled cars in the front of the yard, two rusting, pink flamingos resting on the frame of the door, and a number of Dodge Chargers and Chrysler 300s in the driveway.
The review, though taken down after being up for 15 minutes, was seen by Breitbart, which released a shocking expose about Hunter’s continuing crack addiction and connected his presence at that crack house to his probably having to visit a local court over child support claims stemming from the stripper in the area that he impregnated a few years ago.
Hunter, in any case, was utterly unrepentant about the incident, telling the media that his “personal activities and hobbies” were none of their business and that he would continue meeting with his “diverse group of friends” despite his father’s time in the White House.
Republicans vowed to investigate what Chinese spies Hunter was feeding info to at the crack house in exchange for drugs, though few believe that they’ll really do anything about it if they reclaim power.