NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
New York City recently put up pro-drug use posters that described using fentanyl as “empowering”. Featuring a “girl-boss” black woman (as if that’s not racist), the posters proudly proclaim “Don’t be ashamed you are using, be empowered that you are using safely.” The posters then went on to give a list of tips about how to more safely use fentanyl.
Excited by how many New Yorkers had started “safely” using the hard drug, New York City decided to expand the program to all drugs, not just fentanyl, with the crack-themed posters being by far the most prevalent.
It didn’t take investigative journalists at America’s paper of note–the New York Post–to figure out why: Hunter Biden, wanting to do something other than hide from the media and child support payment collectors, decided to get involved, and so the city saw an opportunity to build closer ties with the White House and took it.
According to the New York Post, Hunter, looking to get involved while camping out in Jeffrey Epstein’s old house, used his art skills to paint a picture of someone looking suspiciously like Malia Obama smoking a crack pipe with the caption “I’m an empowered girl boss” accompanying the photo.
NYC apparatchiks liked the design but had to change the caption from cursive to block lettering because they recognized that few crack addicts can read cursive. In fact, a tentative survey of a few crack clinics found that Hunter was the only person in the state who was both addicted to crack and knew how to read cursive.
Regardless, the poster was quickly adopted and plastered all over the city, with Malia Obama happy to be getting the attention after remaining out of the white pages for so many years. She did, however, express regret that she wasn’t pictured in the “clothing of her ancestors,” presumably meaning some sort of tribal Kenyan outfit.
Hunter, after being caught having designed the poster, gave a quick interview with CNN’s Brian Stelter about it over Zoom.
Clearly on crack for the interview, Hunter, almost shouting and his eyes darting around as he spoke, said:
“Yeah, man, yeah. Crack is great. I love it. Plus it can be super safe. Super safe.
“I personally lost 17 pounds while using it last year, which was great. Helped me meet another stripper if ya know what I mean. But hey, Bri-guy, you’re a bit of a chub, you might want to get into crack. You’d lose a ton of weight. It’d just fall off, man. Give it a try!”
The feed then cut, as Hunter had tried handing a crack pipe to Stelter and accidentally punched through his computer.
The White House, commenting on the poster and interview, said it was glad to see Hunter getting involved in the civic process.