Skip to content

Hunter Biden Makes New Year’s Resolution to “Become the Big Guy, Keep 10% More of Chinese Payoffs”

    shutterstock 1871062741
    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Finally falling back off the wagon and smoking the crack he needs to keep himself energetic and focused, Hunter Biden, son of the current president, Slow Joe Biden, has his sites set on making 2023 his year and far better for him than 2022.

    How so? Well, he has decided to just stop paying child support payments in the hope that the problem will just go away, a strategy tried with little success by other men in his position.

    But, beyond that, he has a much bigger plan in mind: turning himself from the bag man to “the big guy” so that he can collect the 10% extra from his paychecks that had been sent to “The Big Guy,” which most assume means the money was going to Joe Biden.

    News on that comes from a screenshot of his journal that Hunter Biden posted to Instagram with three flexing arm emojis. In the image he posted, a page of the journal says (in very bad handwriting):

    Goals for 2023: It’s time to become the big guy. No more shipping money to you know who. No more missing fun activities because you gotta lose your pay for him. THIS IS YOUR YEAR. You’re gonna be the big guy. It’s gonna be awesome. You’ll keep the 10 percent extra from China, you’ll get to go to the fundraisers, you’ll get to stop paying child support. Time to party!

    In a comment on the post, Hunter added that he was “excited to get his act back together and his life on the path it was in 2015, when all seemed assured and there weren’t any naysayers to f*** things up.” He did not elaborate on what was assured, who those naysayers were, or what was ruined by their skepticism.

    The image has not been deleted yet, with rumors from the White House suggesting that the administration is hoping that if it just ignores Hunter the problem will go away and fewer people will suspect that Biden is the Big Guy, whereas if the White House freaked out more eyes would be drawn to whatever was going on behind the scenes.

    Biden also refused to comment on the matter when asked about it during a press conference. When pressed by KJP’s tormenter, Peter Doocy, on if he is the Big Guy and if so whether he paid taxes on the 10 percent, Biden declined to comment and instead went on a twenty minute rant about the benefits of cinnamon raisin swirl ice cream over strawberry chocolate ice cream that left half the room drowsy to the point of falling asleep and the other half confused over the circles Biden’s rant went in.

    Now that DeSantis has officially put himself in the presidential race, who will you be voting for?(Required)
    This poll gives you free access to our premium politics newsletter. Unsubscribe at any time.
    This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.