NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Hunter Biden received crushing news in a letter from Santa this week, finding out that he might not get the 20 kilos of crack cocaine that he asked for for Christmas this year because he has been a “very naughty boy” that “didn’t pay his child support bills”, “sold influence to China”, and “got involved in numerous sickening schemes with prostitutes.”
Well, Hunter framed the note as a letter from Santa, as that was easier for his drug-addled mind to handle. Really it was a letter from the FBI/DOJ warning him that charges might soon be brought against him for various schemes and crimes he has been involved in and got caught committing because he filmed himself getting involved in them and saved the videos on his laptop, which was recovered by Republicans after he left it at a computer repair shop.
Commenting on the FBI’s letter to Hunter, which journalists found out about because Hunter briefly posted it to social media with the caption “Santa says I’ve been a naughty boy this year…might get coal!”, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said:
“Well, we in the White House believe that Hunter is an upstanding young man who is only having to deal with this witch hunt because of Republican hatred of his father’s progressive social agenda, which we believe is the perfect path forward as we look for ways to improve America and make it a better place for all Americans, particularly Americans of color. However, we will of course refrain from impeding the investigation and will assist the FBI in any way that is necessary for justice and preserving our democracy.”
Dr. Jill Biden, according to our source within the White House, has told Slow Joe that he needs to “cut Hunter loose” before his “imprudent behavior” tanks the Biden Administration or leads to undue investigations into it from the DOJ. Not clear, however, was whether Biden plans on taking her advice and cutting Hunter loose. He has, in the past, defended Hunter of all charges levied against him and done whatever he can to continue helping his son out.
Hunter has not, other than the post to Twitter, commented on the letter or the potential of criminal charges. Nor has the FBI, which has simply said that “Justice is blind” when asked about the potential for an investigation into Hunter or criminal charges being brought against him in 2023. It did, however, pledge to do anything it does in a “politically neutral, unbiased manner” to “avoid a repeat of the 2015-2016 chaos” or a “repeat of the Russia confusion”.
Trump celebrated the news by posting embarrassing pictures from Hunter’s laptop on Truth Social and hinting that he might turn them into NFTs.