NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
With investigators yapping at his heels and attempting to look into his tax situation and other matters that might be embarrassing to him, Hunter attempted to get out of trouble and out of any legal woods by “losing” his laptop during a “fishing expedition”.
According to Hunter, the computer fell out of his offshore fishing boat when he was a full seven miles off the coast, and is thus unfortunately lost forever. Speaking about that, Hunter said:
“Yeah, I mean, it was just an unfortunate fishing accident. I mean, I;m obviously an outdoorsman, just look at me [nervous chuckles].
“Anyway, anyway, I was just going fishing, trying to catch a shark or whatever. I heard Bonita fish are big, by the way, and yeah, my laptop fell out of the boat. Super unfortunate. There was a big fish on the line and a heavy swell hit the boat, sending it overboard.
“I know, I know. I should have taken better care of it. That’s what the Big Guy told me when I accidentally left it at that crummy shop back home a few years ago. Whatever, just stop. Here’s why it was with me.
“I just wanted to listen to Spotify on my laptop, couldn’t figure out that damnable app on my phone, and so I brought the computer along so I could bump along to some sick Katy Perry tunes or whatever while reeling in a shark. I thought that would be cool and maybe make for like a cool Instagram comeback video or something.
“But yeah, I was distracted by the shark on the line and the swell in the water knocked by laptop into the water, where it’s gone for good. Oops.”
At first, the FBI, which didn’t want to look into a Democrat’s crimes anyway, bought the explanation, with Director Wray saying:
“Well, I admit it’s a bit of a ‘fishy’ explanation for why we can’t look into the laptop [he then waited for chuckles, but none were forthcoming]. But, given what we know about Hunter and his level of intelligence and responsibility, we in the FBI think he was actually dumb and irresponsible enough to do that.”
Unfortunately for Hunter, however, his stripper baby momma deflated the balloon of his high expectations for the story by popping a hole in his story and telling the investigators does, in fact, have Spotify on his phone, as he played the “Ghostbusters” soundtrack on it while impregnating her.
“Giving a statement to Fox on that matter, the pregnant stripper said “It was a bit weird, which is why I remembered it. Normally jerks like him want to play 80s rock or something. But no, “Mr. Biden” wanted to go crazy and do something different. Dumb***.”
Hunter, after being caught destroying evidence, was picked up by the police for both the original crimes he was charged with and the spoilation of evidence. Psaki had no comment.