NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
It’s the anniversary of the passage of the Endangered Species Act and Biden went ahead and gave a speech on it…an utterly imbecilic idea, per usual. Instead of sticking to his script, he went ahead and rambled about “biodiversity,” then went on to ramble about how his son Hunter is chipping in to fight extinction. Beginning, the senile president said:
Fifty years ago, the Congress passed one of the world’s most critical conservation laws — the Endangered Species Act. Ever since, the Endangered Species Act has prevented 99 percent of all fish, wildlife, and plants under its protection from going extinct. This law has safeguarded the incredible biodiversity across our Nation, supported the recovery of imperiled species, and conserved the habitats they depend on. As we observe this anniversary, my Administration recommits to conserving America’s flora and fauna for generations to come.
Before the Endangered Species Act, Federal law lacked a unified framework to protect species facing extinction, including plants and animals that have long populated this country. When these species vanish, it jeopardizes the ecosystems and people that depend on them. Because America’s biodiversity is central to our national heritage and identity, courageous activists and scientists refused to let our precious wildlife disappear.
With these activists and scientists leading the way, a group of bipartisan members of Congress came together to pass the Endangered Species Act. This law expanded the endangered species list, established new protections for them, and empowered agencies to enforce any violations of those protections. I was proud to vote for and contribute to the passage of the Endangered Species Act back then, and I am proud now of its lasting legacy. Because of these protections, nearly 300 species have avoided extinction — from the American alligator to the bald eagle, our national symbol.
Continuing, he added, “And, look, we all have to pitch in to help. This is important, Jack! We all have to join in helping out and, umm, dealing with, uhhh, with the situation! We do. It’s a real thing, Jack. And even my son Hunter promised to help. Told me he’d never eat an elephant again, and that’s a fact, Jack. He did!”
He then gave the background to that comment, saying, “Look, he knows a bunch of Chinese fellas. Including some in Africa. He does! And they’re real nice, but they don’t share our thoughts on how, ummm, on what it is acceptable and not acceptable to eat. They just don’t, though it’d be great if they did. But, uhhh, but, umm, but anyway, Hunter promised to ask them to not do that anymore. Said that he wouldn’t eat any elephants anymore and that he would encourage them to do the same!”
“That’s big progress, Jack, because we gotta save these animals from the poachers and such. They’re beautiful creatures, and Hunter’s gonna help make sure he doesn’t eat any more of them. At least while he’s sober and aware, that is.”