NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Team Biden recently announced that a National Security Advisor to Team Biden had visited Guatemala to ramble about whatever it is that Team Biden is up to, and in the announcement made the visit sound like a success. Later reports indicated that it was quite awkward and went poorly after Hunter Biden’s cocaine habit was brought up, however. The press release said:
National Security Advisor to the Vice President Dr. Philip Gordon and a delegation of high-level U.S. officials, including USAID Deputy Administrator Isobel Coleman, traveled to Guatemala on November 27 to meet with government officials, private sector leaders, and civil society members. Throughout their meetings, Dr. Gordon and the delegation discussed bilateral cooperation and emphasized the importance of strengthening democracy, rule of law, good governance, and inclusive economic prosperity in the region.
During meetings with President Alejandro Giammettei and President-elect Bernardo Arévalo, Dr. Gordon reinforced the importance of the peaceful democratic transfer of power. Dr. Gordon underscored that the Biden-Harris Administration looks forward to working with the incoming Arévalo administration to strengthen the bilateral relationship between Guatemala and the United States so we can together continue tackling regional challenges such as transnational criminal organizations, human trafficking, and irregular migration.
In discussion with indigenous leaders, Dr. Gordon and the delegation reiterated the importance of and U.S. commitment to strengthening rule of law, protecting human and labor rights, and inclusive development. During meetings with private sector partners, Dr. Gordon heard first-hand from existing private sector partners – and prospective partners – about ways to mobilize additional support for Central America Forward, the public-private partnership that the Vice President has led, which has generated more than $4.2 billion in private sector commitments for the region. Dr. Gordon and the delegation saw the impact of existing investments, including a site visit to a bottling plant, and discussed ways to create economic opportunities and good jobs in the region while promoting strong labor standards.
While that sounds like a success, an anonymous White House insider indicated otherwise in a statement to us. She said, “Yeah it was going ok but then they made the big mistake of setting up a video call between some of the Guatemalan political people…I’m still not really sure to whom he spoke. But, anyway, speak to them he did and it went really badly.”
“First, he just wouldn’t stop rambling about how much Dr. Jill likes eating tacos and enchiladas, which you could tell grated on their nerves. Then he brought up his son, Hunter, and said that Hunter wanted to take a trip to Central America to use drugs, which also got them really mad. So then they started yelling about how American imperialists are turning their countries into living hells by empowering the cartels and gangs. So then Biden tried to relate to them by bringing up his supposed fight with Cornpop, which got them even more mad. Then they hung up.”