NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Hunter Biden, recovering crackhead, CCP lobbyist, and son of the sitting president, decided to wade into the baby formula debate to offer his helpful advice on Wednesday in a move some expect was a ploy to draw fire off of his father.
Taking to Brian Stelter’s “reliable sources” to tell Americans how they should be responding to the current shortage, Hunter relied on his own life experience to give some what he thought to be helpful hints on how to make it through.
Speaking to Stelter, Hunter said:
“Well, hey, Brian, I mean a good bit of this is just manufactured outrage and that’s easy to avoid. Really easy. Like all you need to do is one simple thing easy.
“Guess when it was that I had no worries in life other than one thing, one thing that sure as hell wasn’t baby formula. I’ll tell ya, you don’t need to guess. It’s when I was smoking crack!
“Yeah, back in those days, all I cared about, and I really mean all I cared about, was crack. My illegitimate child? Nope, crack. Staying in shape? Nope, crack. Traveling to China to make the big bucks for the big guy? Nope, crack.
“Simple as that. All I cared about was crack. Finding it, smoking it, not getting arrested while buying it: that’s all I was worried about.
“So here’s my advice for all the worried parents out there, here’s what I’ll say: just smoke crack! If you do, you won’t be worried about baby formula in the least, I’ll tell you what. Forget about that gross stuff. Nah, you’ll just want to smoke some crack. It’s awesome, a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.”
Stelters, shocked almost to the point of being unable to respond, meekly and timidly asked “So, Hunter, you’re telling Americans worried about feeding their children to smoke crack so they forget about their kids?”
Hunter didn’t miss a beat in responding and just said “Hell yeah, brother. I didn’t care a whit about my bastard when I was crack addicted. No worries, not one. Now I occassionally feel pangs of guilt, but, you know. Just gotta smoke crack to make those go away!
Stelter shook his head in wonder and sadness as the program cut to an Applebee’s commericial, having a new guest on when “Reliable Sources” came back from the break.
Many suspect that the TV appearance was a way for Hunter to take heat off his dad: by saying something ridiculous, he’s managed to get the GOP to focus on his degeneracy rather than the utter disaster that is America right now.
The White House, however, insists that it was not and that Hunter was simply trying to be helpful to America’s struggling parents and that all “outside the box” ideas should be welcome right now, particularly given the difficult circumstances.