NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Waking up from a long, crack-induced slumber, exhausted despite the 13 hours of sleep because of his struggles as the much-detested son of President Joe Biden, Hunter decided to turn his life around.
Not by giving up crack, as that would be far too difficult, no fun at all, and a complete waste of money after he spent his most recent check from China on stocking up on crack rocks, excited to test them out on the free crack pipe he got from his dad’s administration earlier in the year, shortly before the “free crack pipes in safe smoking kits” was canceled.
The thought of the cancelation of the “totally awesome” free crack pipe program, as recently leaked texts show him referring to it, infuriated Hunter as he lit up his crack pipe, so, stumbling over to his computer and closing out all of the pornos he had recently filmed with a few “ladies of the night”, he emailed his lawyer and said he wanted to start a PAC.
That PAC, or political action committee, is devoted to the pushing of crack-cocaine, which Hunter refers to at times as “fun rocks” or “bang-bang parmesan”, and so is called “buy crack, not a gat”.
It aims, according to a recent press statement on the matter given by Hunter and Al Sharpton on the rotting steps of a ramshackle house (likely a crack den) in South Atlanta, to convince “at risk young men” to spend their hard-earned dollars not on handguns or other “tools of violence”, but instead on crack.
Hunter, speaking on that, said:
“Both guns and crack are expensive, but only one kills people. Crack is a wonder drug, a pharmaceutical produced by the little guy that makes you feel great, gives you a burst of energy when you just need to stay awake with prostitutes you hired, and helps you support mainly BIPOC-owned businesses.
“Guns, on the other hand, have no redeeming characteristics. Your brother’s widow can get you in trouble by tossing one in the dumpster after you get in a lover’s quarrel with her, they’re used by many toxically-masculine people to prey on vulnerable communities, and almost all of the companies that make them are white-owned.
“So let’s fight back against all of that! Let’s help support small businesses, keep people safe, and revitalize inner-city communities by buying crack rather than gats!”
Hunter then used the $200,000 raised by the PAC, mainly from people in D.C. that just wanted him to be quiet, to buy 5 kilos of crack and take a 3 week “fundraising trip” to Bangkok. He failed at fundraising, but claimed that “his heavy use of crack and abstinence from firearm-related violence showed the promising premise” of the PAC’s founding mission.
Joe Biden did not comment on his son’s new venture, though he did note that he supported “creative solutions to ending gun violence”.