NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Slow Joe Biden went ahead and did yet another press conference that went poorly on Tuesday morning, when walking to Marine One from the White House. It began with him saying that he had a “feeling” that the debt negotiations were over and McCarthy was just going to do what the Democrats want, saying:
Look, you know I never say I’m confident what the Congress is going to do. But I feel very good about it. I’ve spoken with a number of the members. I spoke to McConnell. I spoke to a whole bunch of people. And it feels good. We’ll see when the vote starts.
And, look, one of the things that I hear some of you guys saying is, “Why doesn’t Biden say what a good deal it is?” Why would Biden say what a good deal it is before the vote? You think that’s going to help me get it passed? No. That’s why you guys don’t bargain very well.
A reporter kept trying to ask a question but Biden cut him off, snapping and holding up a hand to stop the reporter from talking. He then, for whatever reason, went ahead and argued that he had congratulated Erdogan for his election victory…despite the fact that his CIA and State Department had used practically every trick in their hats to try and force him out of office in a low-key color revolution, saying:
Number two, I spoke to Erdoğan and congratulated Erdoğan. And he — he still wants to work on something on the F-16s. I told him we wanted a deal with Sweden, so let’s get that done. And so we’ll be back in touch with one another. But I — it was basically a congratulatory call. And –
That’s when the reporter had had enough and lobbed in a question again, not waiting for Brandon’s go-ahead. “Mr. President,” the reporter shouted, “What do you think about Hunter’s recent arrest in Arkansas for trying to hire a hooker and buy crack from an undercover police officer?”
Biden stopped, stunned. “Hunter was arrested?” Biden asked. “But…what? Really?”
“Yes,” the reporter said, smirking. “He was arrested 20 minuted ago and is currently being held in the Little Rock jail along with a suspected Chinese agent who was with him at the time and paying for his…diversionary ventures.”
Getting mad, Biden said, “now look here: Hunter is the smartest person I know. Whatever you jokers in the Extreme MAGA media over at CNN say about him, I know that he’s a good guy with a good heart in a harsh, harsh world. And that’s a fact! So don’t be yanking my chain about my son, who’s home and doing well right now.”
“No, Mr. President, he’s not,” the reporter said. “We have a video of him being arrested…our news crew was nearby because of a racial incident at an Arby’s. We saw him arrested, hustled off to jail.”
His face beet red, Biden turned in a flash and stormed off without saying a word as his entourage whipped out numerous Blackberry phones and started making calls to bail out Hunter.