NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
What’s up with the FBI raiding Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home? Turns out, Hunter Biden and his friends in the CCP are behind it.
News on that comes from a disconcerted FBI agent who, though perfectly okay with persecuting Trump, was not okay with working alongside Red China.
He, speaking on a condition of anonymity over a burner phone because of fears over what the Chinese “advisors” to the FBI will do to him if he’s caught, said:
“Yeah, so like, we were looking for ways to take on Trump. Some of us wanted to bug him again, others just wanted to try arresting him and see what happened, and there was this small but vocal group that just wanted to let the whole thing go to avoid the stain of political nastiness sure to otherwise result from our involvement in such a raid.
“But none of those ideas seemed all that great. Obviously we didn’t want to just let it go, as some guys were suggesting, but we also were totally not okay with doing something that might look illegal or get us arrested. So, for a few weeks, we kept poking and prodding in the shadows but didn’t do anything too crazy.
“Then Hunter showed up with some Chinese guys in pinstripe suits, smoking unfiltered cigs in the Hoover Building. They made me super uncomfortable…their eyes, man, their eyes were cold.
“And damn did things change after that, man. Out the window went any idea of restraint, these guys, who would only identify themselves as “Ministry of State Security personnel”, rolled out a poster of Trump and his associates, along with all their associated properties, and started circling what they called ‘weak points.’
“They then demanded we make a tactical team ready and prepare to roll up Mar-a-Lago, saying that we could cow everyone by striking ‘the big guy’ where it hurt.”
It was at that point that our source was cut off on the phone, letting out a scream before it was muffled and a gurgling sound came across the line. The phone then went dead; we expect it was a result of the Ministry of State Security “advisors” to the FBI finding him and exacting their revenge on him for his loose lips.
Christopher Wray, the director of the FBI, refused to comment on the matter other than saying that it was “racist” to assume that just because some of its new contractors were from the People’s Republic of China that they would be brutal tyrants and lambasted reporters for suggesting such.
While he was talking, however, a LiveLeak video of Chinese men in FBI windbreakers firing randomly into a crowd of protesters outside their Miami office went viral on the internet, lending truth to the anonymous source’s report.