NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Joe Biden recently gave a speech on the situation in the Ukraine and his demands for more aid, arguing during it that the Republicans need to step up and send hundreds of billions of dollars more in aid to the embattled Eastern European country so that Hunter Biden’s friends and paymasters can survive the Russian onslaught.
Beginning, Biden accidentally spoke about himself in the third person, reading off of a handout his Administration had distributed to the media rather than the correct version of the speech that had a more personal tone and used the first person for pronouns. In any case, he said:
Today, President Biden convened Congressional Leadership and the Chairs and Ranking Members of the House and Senate Intelligence, Armed Services, and Appropriations Committees, and the Senate Foreign Relations and House Foreign Affairs Committees to discuss the urgent need for Congress to continue supporting Ukraine as part of the global coalition we have built. In the meeting, President Biden underscored the importance of Congress ensuring Ukraine has the resources it needs—including air defense and artillery capabilities—to defend itself against Russia’s brutal invasion.
The President discussed the strategic consequences of inaction for Ukraine, the United States, and the world. He was clear: Congress’s continued failure to act endangers the United States’ national security, the NATO Alliance, and the rest of the free world. The President called on Congress to quickly provide additional funding to support Ukraine and send a strong signal of U.S. resolve.
The President also made clear that we must act now to address the challenges at the border. He said he is encouraged by the progress being made in the bipartisan negotiations happening in the Senate. He expressed his commitment to reaching a bipartisan agreement on border policy and the need for additional resources at the border. The President called on Congress to swiftly pass his full national security supplemental.
Then, before Biden continued, Dr. Jill walked up on stage and whispered in his ear, presumably telling him that he was using the wrong version of the speech. He said, “Oops. Looks like one of those pesky Russian spies or a MAGA extremist replaced my correct speech with the different umm…with a wrongly…umm…well with the wrong version.”
“But, as I was saying. Catch that? I, not President Biden. Ha. Anyway, as I was saying, the House Republicans need to act quickly to fund the Ukrainian Army. Heck, Hunter has a bunch of friends over there. Real nice guys. Real nice. Good fellas. But, heck, if we don’t…ummm…if we don’t arm their army, then those nice friends of my boy won’t be able to defend themselves!”
“Heck, if we don’t arm their army, those fellas might have to find a way to buy weapons instead of just being given them! We can’t have that. It’s ridiculous, Jack. They gotta be given them by us so that BlackRock can take over the country after the war. Simple stuff, Jack.”